6 Ways to Address Whining

Written by Paula E. Bird, copyright 2014

Nothing annoys me more than when students whine. I do not enjoy hearing a child (or an adult) whine. The sound grates on my ears and psyche. Whining has no influence over me except to annoy me no end. I believe that whining is one of the most unattractive behaviors and unproductive utterances that exists in the world.

There, now that I have gotten that off my chest, let me discuss whining in more detail, because I believe that parents and teachers suffer this same affliction in equal measure as I do. If I look at the definition of the word, I am likely to find things like "high-pitched sound," "complaining," "plaintive cry," "fretful," "cranky," and so forth. How nice. Those definitions make me want to snap to attention and deal with the issue. You too?

The above descriptions make me want to pull out my ear plugs. I cringe and back away, even when I hear adults do this type of behavior. I am ever vigilant with my own language choices as well, because I understand how unattractive a person appears when wallowing in the whining mindset.

Having now vented (or whined a bit, if you will) about this subject, let me address whining with more useful information. Why do children whine? I have read that whining is a bid for attention and that whining may indicate that children may feel the connection with their caregiver has been broken in some way. A whining child may feel overwhelmed, powerless, or lacking control over the current situation. Whatever the reason for the child to whine, the child is communicating important information. The issue then becomes what is the appropriate way for parents and teachers to respond to the communication.

When my university students whine, as I wrote about in my previous article about the importance of being teachable (click here to read the article), they are generally letting me know that they need my personal attention and help in learning how to do something. I naturally gravitate to their vicinity the minute I hear the whine and give the student some personal attention and physical correction. I also make a joke of the whining, in case the student was unaware of the behavior: "Did you just whine? Wow! How attractive is that?" We usually laugh about it, and now the student is more aware of the behavior in the future (I hope). I am also more ready to make that same observation the next time the student whines. Toddlers and young children may have the need to whine as a form of communication, but adults have much higher level skills of communication, or they should. I insist that grownups (like my university students) not whine when they talk with me.

So how do I cure whining? Here are six ways that I use to address whining and solve the underlying issues that whining represents:

Do not give in. The most important tool is the refusal to give in. I believe that one of the main reasons that whining is such a prevalent issue for parents and teachers is that the behavior is rewarded by giving the whiner what they are whining about. Nope, not me. My reaction is the opposite. I will not give in to whining except as I describe above with my university students, and I try and turn that into a learning point when I do respond. The type of whining that I refer to here is the type that is seeking to get something: Can't I have ice cream now? Can I buy this candy? This is that annoying, unproductive whining, when a child is demanding immediate gratification about something that is inappropriate at the moment. Children use whining in these situations because whining works. It wears down the unprepared parent, who may give in to get rid of the unpleasant whining noise.

Become deaf. One of my favorite tools that a parent shared with me was to be unable to hear what the whiny child's voice said. This parent would completely not respond to the child's whiny cries. When the child would tug on her mama, the mom would then explain that it was really, really hard for the mom to hear the child's voice when it adopted that tone. Other parents may head this behavior off in the beginning by explaining that the parent cannot hear the tone and then role modeling the correct way to communicate.

Imitate what you hear. Some parents report success when they parrot back the whiny tone and exaggerated speech patterns. When the child hears how the communication sounds, the child may recognize the ineffectiveness and unpleasantness of the speech. For sure the moment will be funny, and a reconnection may be established between the whiner and the whinee.

Address the underlying issue. If the whine is due to a disconnection between the parent and child or teacher and student, then address the disconnection. If the whine is about discomfort or pain, address that issue. Once I get past the whining tone -- usually by repeating the child's distress call with more appropriate communication (The chin rest feels uncomfortable with that size shoulder rest? Your thumb hurts when it sits against the frog?), I address the discomfort. I take every complaint about discomfort and pain very seriously and treat the child's complaints as true. I find it easy to dismiss a child's complaints as just another bit of noise in the universe, except that with my many years' teaching experience, I have come to realize that many children genuinely experience discomfort if the instrument setup does not exactly fit the child's needs. So I spend a great deal of time addressing the fit of shoulder rests, chin rests, and other areas of connection with the instrument. I have been known to use a lot of mole foam to cushion areas that cause perceived pain or discomfort.

Learn to tell the difference between the real and the fake. Some children or students whine because they do not want to do the activity, not because there is a real issue of pain or discomfort. I call this sort of behavior "fake" pain, and I handle this in a different way. When a student complains that the thumb hurts when it sits inside the frog (rather than on the outside of the frog, which is the generally accepted method that Suzuki violin teachers employ with beginning students), I tell a story. Never underestimate the power of story for getting and holding a student's attention and for sending a powerful message.

When I took karate classes, one of the exam requirements to get to the next belt level was to break a board. I remember how my karate teacher asked me to prepare to break my first board with my hand. (Here I gesture with the heel of my hand to show the student which part of my hand was expected to do the board breaking). My teacher took me to a brick in one corner of the room. Do you know what she wanted me to do with the brick? (Here I let the student interact with guesses, always wrong of course, but this engages the student in my story).

My teacher asked me to rub the heel of my hand across the top of the brick several times a day. (I gesture my hand rubbing the brick in time to "Mississippi Hot Dog" rhythm, back and forth several times). Can you guess what that did to my hand? (More silly guesses). Rubbing my hand on the brick made the skin on my hand tougher. I got a callous on my hand. My skin got stronger, so that I could easily break the board and not feel a thing. 

(Here is my favorite part.) 

So I think we need to take your whiny thumb to that brick over there and teach him how to be stronger and tougher. Let's go.

I then walk over to the brick and take the spot on my thumb that will touch the frog and rub it back and forth on the brick in time to Mississippi Hot Dog rhythm. The child willingly joins in the activity to imitate me. We will do this about ten times. The child learns the lesson. Even funnier is when the child complains about something else the next time, like the chin on the chin rest. I start to go through the same spiel about the brick, and usually the student is one step ahead of me and decides that the chin does not need the brick therapy after all.

Recognize different sensitivity levels. Some students have lesser tolerances for discomfort than other students. For example, my stepson Jon had very little tolerance for discomfort. Poking him with my finger could elicit an "Ow!" in an instant. I carefully consider whether my student's level of comfort sensitivity is an issue and address this with one of the methods above.

Whining may be a simple case of noise-making to indicate an imminent tantrum, or it may indicate something else, such as a disconnection in the relationship or real discomfort. Keep an open mind about the underlying reasons for the whining and patiently address the possible issues. Although whining may be unpleasant to listen to, the sound may reveal some information that is useful for effective teaching.

Monday Morning Check In: The Importance of Being Teachable

written by Paula E. Bird, copyright 2014

One of my favorite university classes is my section of String Techniques classes that includes non string players. In this class my task is to teach future band directors how to be future orchestra directors. During the class I teach my students how to play a stringed instrument, although I do not expect that these students will continue to play the violin or viola (they might). The reason I enjoy this class so much is because the students strongly remind me of our need to be teachable.

Both parents and teachers can easily run afoul of this character issue. I have a theory that many teachers were drawn to teaching as a profession because of our innate ability to tell everybody what we know. As a teacher or parent, we are daily put in positions to instruct and guide students or children who do not know as much as we do. We can find it easy therefore to forget how to be students ourselves.

What does it mean to be teachable? Perhaps it is easier to describe someone with an unteachable attitude. When someone is not teachable, you will see such behaviors as:

• Whining. This behavior includes expressions that make noise but do not really contribute anything useful to the learning process. What is a teacher supposed to do when the student says things like:
• This is hard.
• This is uncomfortable.
• This is weird.
• It hurts when I do that.
• My hand aches when I hold it that way.

• Stubborn Resistance. This behavior includes reasons why the student does not have to execute the instructions:
• My body just doesn't work that way.
• My hand isn't big enough.
• My arms aren't long enough.
• I can't reach around to play that way.
• I don't really need to play in order to be able to teach.
• I don't intend to be an orchestra director (I make sure this student has my phone number so he can call me later when he gets his first orchestra director job or assignment).

• Passive Resistance. This behavior includes continued incorrect posture despite frequent teacher corrections and instruction. Instead of openly defying instructions with verbal comments, this type of behavior is unexpressed. Still, I believe the underlying mental comments that produce passive resistance include:

• I don't need to do this the way you tell me.
• I can still make it work when I do it differently than you instruct.
• Why can't I just hold it this way?

• Frustration. This behavioral reaction is typical in most learning situations because students expect things to come easy and are disappointed when new skills or abilities do not come after one or two attempts.

• Defeat. This behavior includes expressions as to why the student should be permitted to quit. This attitude shows up after a few attempts. Probably this is the hardest attitude that I have to combat as a teacher.

• I can't do this.
• I'm not cut out to play the violin.
• This isn't the best instrument for me.

Notice that the above attitude responses have one thing in common: they are negative responses to a positive situation. Instead of greeting the instruction or task with a can-do attitude, the student minimizes the assignment by thinking and expressing reasons why it cannot work, why the student cannot do it, or why the student should not even bother to attempt it. The student expresses an unwillingness to even try and accepts a justification that excuses the student from even learning the skill.

I do believe that the above attitudes are natural human expressions. We all do these same types of behaviors. These are natural responses. We have all had our glorious moments of unteachableness. So how do we practice being teachable? Here are a few suggestions:

• Learn a new skill. This can be something as simple as learning how to knit or play the guitar, to learning a new language or starting a new hobby. Take a class. Sign up for something that is entirely new and that places you in the position of student.

• Watch your language. Be aware of any negative language that may creep into your learning environment. Avoid expressions such as I can't or this is hard or I'm uncomfortable. Cultivate positive expressions, empowering affirmations, and uplifting and encouraging statements.

• Guard your attitude. Placing yourself in the position of student is a humbling experience. You are admitting that you do not know everything, and this attitude can be difficult for many of us to accept, if we even recognize that we have this problem. As students we need to cultivate the mindset that we are students and learning from someone else. We need to accept the instruction that our teachers give us with good grace and an open willingness to give it a good shot, and maybe five to 10 times of repetition. If we are Suzuki proponents then we need to give it 10,000 repetitions in order to prove that we are indeed Suzuki proponents. We need to close the door on any attitude that allows us to refuse to do something, to give up, or to excuse ourselves from the task. We need to focus on the attitude that does not allow ourselves to divorce ourselves from the work that is required to develop a new ability.

• Enjoy the process. Rather than suffer frustration because of unreasonable expectations that you will learn things quickly, discipline yourself to enjoy the process of learning. Where does the attitude that we can learn things quickly come from anyway? We know that it is impossible to learn things quickly, whether we are children or adults. Skill development takes time. Allow yourself to experience the learning process. Be fascinated with how you learn, with how you approach new things, and with the joy that comes from adding something new to your human experience.

• Foster fascination. Allow yourself to discover new things about yourself, how you learn, how you follow instructions, what you find tricky, what you perform easily, and what your attitude strengths and weaknesses are. Let the learning process fascinate you as you discover who you really are underneath the teacher or parent facade.

Learning something new and cultivating the attitude of teachableness is a good discipline for all teachers and parents because we will become better at teaching and parenting if we understand what our students and children experience. When we place ourselves in the same learning process, we remind ourselves what it is like to be a student. We can be more patient and accepting of our students' or children's experiences when they experience bumps in the road.

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Thursday, February 27 (followup): After writing the article posted last Monday about being teachable, I told my section of string techniques class about the article I had posted that day. I showed them the blog post on the screen, and they read through the article. As the class read, there were moments when one student or another would speak up with delight, "There I am!" or "That's me!" Even though I had not written specifically about any particular student, they were intent on finding themselves represented in the article. The rest of the class was quite enjoyable, as each student seemed to find joy in catching themselves whenever they whined or complained.

Smiling Your Way Through Violin Practice (or How Not to Quit)

Someone asked me how to practice with her child and feel like smiling at the same time. Let me describe how I would do this if I were a parent.

If the child were very young, I would sit with her on my lap and hold her. I would give generous hugs. I would turn my voice into a soft blanket and let my love warm our connection. Here is how the conversation might go:

“Mommy loves you very much,” I would say with a smile. “Do you know how much? Let me tell you.”

I would smile and look in their eyes with as much love as I could muster.

“What do I do when you are hungry?”

You feed me.

“That’s right. I make sure that your tummy is full of food.”

I would touch or pat the stomach area.

“What do I do when you are thirsty?”

You give me something to drink.

“That’s right. I give you something to drink.”

I would touch my fingers to the child’s lips and maybe give them a little kiss.

“Why do you think I send you to school?”

You want me to learn things.

“That’s right. I want to fill up your mind with things that are important to learn and know. I am feeding your mind.”

I would touch the child’s forehead.

“Do you know why we practice the violin together and go to music classes and lessons? 

Here I would touch the area above the child’s heart and smile deeply at the child.

“We learn the violin together because we are feeding our hearts and spirits. We are filling up our hearts with beautiful music.”

Now the real lesson begins.

“If you are hungry, would I stop feeding you? Of course not! I am a good mom and I would make sure that you were not hungry.”

Hugs and smiles again.

“If you are thirsty, would I stop giving you a drink? Of course not! I would always give you a drink because I love you very much.”

I would offer more hugs, smiles, and hair stroking.

“If you wanted to stay home from school every day, would I let you? No, of course not! I want your mind to be full and not empty.”

And the big question comes next.

“If you did not want to practice the violin or go to violin classes and lessons, would I let you stay home?”

I would wait for the child to answer this question, because the child knows that the parent loves him or her.

No, you would not let me stop practicing or going to violin class.

“That’s right. I want to fill your heart with beautiful music. I want you to share in the wonderful gift that music will bring to your heart and spirit.”

“I want this gift for you because I love you very much. Are you ready to practice together now?” And I would smile as big as I could.

Imagine how wonderful our practices together would be if we focused on the beautiful gift we gave each other rather than on the work!

I am puzzled to hear that students want to quit playing or studying a musical instrument. I wonder how that situation came to be. If the parent were to accede to the child’s complaints and desires to stop instruction, I can only wonder how the parent would think that listening to a young child is the answer. After all, is that not why there are parents in the world? Who would think that a 4 or 7 or even a 13 year old would have enough life experience to understand what the benefits of music education are? I might listen to the argument that a child made and discuss it, but as an adult, I think it is my responsibility to make decisions based on my adult education and experience and not that of a child.

Yes, I know, sometimes it is hard to persevere when the child is frequently grousing about practice or going to lessons (or doing homework or taking out the garbage or going to school or not seeing enough of their friends or boyfriends). That is why there are parents in the world, because we have had the time and life experience to weather these storms of complaint and melodrama. These moments of frustration and dissension may be golden opportunities to offer the lesson of perseverance and discipline, which will eventually lead to the ultimate prize of high self-esteem that comes from achievement, fulfillment, and diligence.

One parent told me that she handled the situation by labeling the family in a way that discouraged the child from wanting to quit. “You are a Smith [fictitious name]. The Smith family does not raise quitters. We don’t even understand what it means to quit.” And then she walked away. She said that the child never brought up the subject again.

My personal story shares some elements with the Smith family. I began learning the piano when I was three years old; my mother, a primary school teacher and singer/pianist, was my first instructor. My mother and I had some difficulties working together, although her motivation was good. She did the best that she knew how, and we did not have parent education/Suzuki training courses in those days. Our practices together evaporated, and I was left to play by myself.

My father also played piano; he is a most excellent jazz pianist! My sister and I were treated to my father’s wonderful jazz music every single day that we lived at home. We fell asleep to his practicing, and we learned a lot about jazz musicians of the time and various styles. It was a real treat to put in our special requests for songs on our way to bed and then to fall asleep waiting to hear our father entertain us with our favorites.

Inevitably I wanted to be just like dad. When I was 5, I asked to take piano lessons again. This time my mom had a serious talk with me. If I really wanted to take lessons, I would have to think long and hard about what that meant. If I were to take lessons, I would have to continue taking them until I graduated high school or no longer lived at home. If I were to take lessons, I could not quit. Period. That was the end of the discussion. My mother left me with that and told me to think about it and make sure that I could live up to my decision when I made it.

I did think about it. I know I was only five years old, but I was a fairly smart cookie even then. I vividly recall lying down under the baby grand piano and looking out the front window of our house as I thought about it. Did I really want to play the piano and take lessons for that length of time [yes, I was smart enough to figure out on my fingers how many years it would be until I graduated high school]? Could I live with that decision for such a long time? (13 years is a very long time for a 5 year old to consider). I made the positive decision, and my mom got me started with lessons with a lovely teacher. I studied with her for seven or eight years before moving to another town and starting with another teacher.

Did I continue playing piano until I graduated high school or left home? Yes, I played all the way through college, and I continue to play and perform as a pianist and accompanist to this day, even though my primary profession is as a violinist. I have played piano for the San Antonio and Austin Symphonies. I have accompanied university musicals. I have accompanied many, many students of various instruments, as well as professional musicians in recitals. In fact, just the other day, I was accompanying two of my husband’s trombone students at a regional school performance event, and I ran into two band director friends whose pianist had not shown up (there was some very bad weather that caused traffic snarls and closed roads). I stepped in at the last minute as an emergency accompanist for these students. I love playing piano professionally and for my own personal enjoyment.

When I was 7 years old, I ran away from home. I packed a suitcase, unloaded my money from my piggy bank, and marched off about 2 miles away from home to camp out in the little wilderness area behind our local grocery store. I planned to live on Muenster cheese and chocolate Life Savers. The funny part is that I left my parents a note telling them that I was running away but not to worry because I would be back on Wednesday for my piano lesson.

I guess my mother’s lesson about commitment really took hold. I am still practicing piano and violin.

Happy practicing!

Useful Parenting Tool: The Power to Walk Away

I am going to tell you a teaching and parenting story from my real life studio archives. This story I am about to share with you illustrates one of the most effective teaching and parenting tools I have ever discovered: the power to walk away.

Once upon a time I took a course in negotiation, and I learned many useful tips. The most important lesson I learned was: "don't lose the power to walk away." A person loses the power to walk away when they become afraid of the consequences of not reaching an agreement about something. They are afraid that they will lose any part of the opportunity if they do not agree with whatever is on the table at the moment. That is the point, however, when the negotiating power can be at its strongest, because the other side also has the fear of what they will lose when they walk away from the negotiating table.

What does this have to do with teaching and parenting? Absolutely everything. I say that with complete conviction because I have been observing children and their parents for almost four decades. The issue also trends in popularity at various times. Right now I find the issue quite common because parents are truly too busy to spend the time necessary to correct and instruct (discipline) the child concerning unacceptable behavior.

I have one truly terrific parent in my studio, however, and I want to share this amusing and powerful story with you.

Last week I had a lesson with a three year old who has been coming to lessons about six months and doing a terrific job learning how to play the violin. This last lesson, however, was not so great. The child's family routine had been disrupted due to some unexpected travel out of town to help a grandparent move. Although the mom did her best to maintain the child's practice, the schedule was disrupted, and the child was reacting unpleasantly to the change in routine. The practice sessions were not happy and were becoming less and less productive overall. Mom was doing everything short of standing on her head, and things had not improved.

At the child's lesson, I spent some time helping mom to come up with a few little practice games and routines to try at home. Then I began teaching the child. I got very little cooperation from the child. She fell apart like a jellyfish the minute I let go. She would not hold a single position in place. Finally, about five minutes from the end of her "lesson," the child stopped even turning her head to the left to put on the violin. She absolutely balked, and then refused to turn her head and put it on the violin.

I turned to mom at that point and said that was all for the lesson that day. "What was the fun thing that you WERE going to do after her lesson today and which is NOT happening now?" I hinted. Her mom told me that they had talked about buying a little toy on the way home from the lesson if the lesson had gone well, which it most definitely had not. I reminded mom that buying the toy would NOT happen now, would it?

It took the child about 30 seconds for the reality of the consequences to sink in. During that short window of time I quickly instructed the mom about what to expect and do next to be sure that we were both on the same page. I warned mom that there would be a huge blowup momentarily, and that it would be pretty nasty for about 20 minutes. And under absolutely NO CIRCUMSTANCES was the mom to change her mind or give the child an opportunity to earn the privilege back that day. The opportunity was completely lost. Period.

And that is when the caterwauling began. Wailing, crying, and desperate clinging measures were used. The child kept tugging on mom's arm and urgently repeating, "I'll be good, I'll be good, I'll be good! I'm sorry, mommy, I'll be good!" Mom started to turn around and talk to the child, probably in an attempt to calm the child down, but I engaged the mom in a pleasant conversation instead. Actually the two of us were trying very hard not to giggle at the situation, because we had predicted that this would happen. Mom could have asked the child to comply with any direction at that moment, as the child was completely compliant, obedient, and absolutely desperate to go buy that toy.

I am so sorry that we did not have a video camera running during the entire episode, because this was a classic "how to" video for parents. Thankfully, the child's mother is a great mom and is strong enough to withstand all the child's tactics.

Here is the power tool that my student's mom employed:

• Say it once
• Turn your back
• Walk away

What do you say? "I'm sorry, but I didn't like [fill in the blank.] So, we are not going to do [fill in the blank.]" You do not discuss the matter any further than your first pronouncement. That is the "turn your back" and "walk away" part. And that, my friends, is the simple yet incredibly effective tool of "the power to walk away."

How does the story end? I got a text message from mom today: "I'm soooo happy! [The child] feels horrible about last week and has practiced everyday without drama. She'll say, 'I'll practice without the drama.' :)"

So the next time you are tempted to give in to your child's demands, remember to give "the power to walk away" a try.

If you want more information about how to use this tool effectively, read Dr. Kevin Leman's book Have a New Kid by Friday. You can purchase the book to read on your Kindle or Kindle app.

Monday Morning Check In: Are You a C, W, or E?

We have been discussing character traits in teachers the past few weeks. Last week's discussion focused on anger, the after shocks of expressing it, and how we might eliminate anger from our make up. Today, I want to focus on three other character traits.

I ask my incoming or new university students to identify whether they are a C, a W, or an E. Most people can relate to one of these three character traits. Occasionally I will run into someone who claims all three. These traits are: Complaining, Whining, or Excuse Making.

C - Complaining

I think complaining is the second most common character trait after the trait of anger. There may be several reasons why someone complains. We might complain because we have a sense of superiority and a desire to show that we are better than another or know more about how things should be done. We might complain to express dissatisfaction, resentment, or annoyance. We might complain because we have a legitimate grievance. We might be venting a little to get things "off our chest."

Have you noticed that people generally do not complain to anyone who has the power to change the problem the person is complaining about? I find this absolutely fascinating, which leads me to think that the need to express our superiority or to vent are the reasons why we complain. Whatever our reasons for doing so, let me suggest that others do not enjoy listening to complaints. If you pay close attention, you will notice how folks begin to edge away from the complaining person inch by inch.

It does not really matter why or how we got to the state of being a complainer, it just matters that we work to eliminate this unpleasant character trait. I offer two suggestions:

• Make your complaints to the person who has the power to address the complaints. If you are uncomfortable taking this step, then you might as well just give up the complaint entirely. "If you have the time to whine and complain about something then you have the time to do something about it." -- Anthony J. D'Angelo.

• Develop an attitude of gratitude. It is difficult to complain about something when you are steering your focus in another direction. Look at things with an eye toward expressing appreciation and thankfulness. Find opportunities to offer encouragement and gratitude to others for their contributions or efforts. By looking for ways to bolster and support others, you will be turning your thoughts away from yourself and your need to wallow in unpleasantness and focusing instead on someone other than yourself. You will be involved in making the world a better place rather than expressing ways of tearing the world down.

What should you do when someone complains to you? I find that the easiest solution is to edge away by inches yourself and then be careful about associating with that person in the future. I do not spend time arguing with a complainer or offering a more positive perspective. I find that when I try to do so, I just encourage the complainer to entrench more deeply in their complaining position. I save my breath, my energy, and my optimism by smiling, finding a graceful way to excuse myself from the complaining conversation, and seeking to follow a more productive pursuit. I find it helpful to plan in advance and have a list of possible activities to offer as a reasonable escape, such as a visit to the restroom, returning a phone call, or getting to an appointment on time.

"Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving." -- Dale Carnegie (American lecturer and author, 1888-1955)

W - Whining

Most of us have experienced whining from the receiving end. For those of you who have not, imagine putting a car into neutral gear and then stepping on the gas pedal. The sustained high pitch noise you would hear is what whining sounds like to those of us who have to hear it from a child or another person. Parents can relate to feelings of exasperation and annoyance that come from hearing a whining child.

What is whining anyway? As my car example shows, whining is a lot of unproductive noise. The engine whines but the car does not move. People whine and make noise but do not necessarily do anything. However, whining may annoy others to the point that THEY do something. Remember the old adage about the squeaky wheel getting the grease?

Our society today seems not to frown on whining as much as I think should be the case. To me, whining is a form of rebellion. The whining child or adult is actually saying "No!" Whenever I hear whining, I remind myself that if words were to replace the whining, how I would respond? My answer is that I would usually respond quickly to address the rebellion problem. I believe that parents and teachers or others with authority over the child should not permit a child to respond in a rebellious way to instructions or directions, just as I believe that we should not respond inappropriately to each other as adults. [Remind me to tell you sometime about my name tag theory].

I understand that there are folks who believe that children do not have the cognitive reasoning to actually design their whining and other behavior traits to accomplish such negative purposes. However, I remember one young student of about 6 or 7 years old who was using a whiny voice about something. I looked her in the eye and said, "You're using your whiny voice. Do you find that works for you?" I was being sarcastic, of course, but the child's answer was, "It doesn't work on my mom, but it sure works great on my dad!" The mother's look at her child's comment was very entertaining!



One parent told her child that the parent had something wrong with her ears, and when her child spoke in a "baby voice" (whiny voice), the parent could not hear what the child said. Another parent blended a special "whine medicine," which consisted of several nasty tastes all mixed together (e.g., ketchup, grapefruit juice, Tabasco drops). An older child in the family helped by "confiding" in the younger child how awful tasting the whine medicine was. When the parent said they would have to get the whine medicine to cure the child's whine, the older child would quickly chime in, "Yuck! You don't want to take the whine medicine!"

A child may whine because whining puts the child in charge of the parents and because whining produces results from the child's point of view. If you have ever given a child what the child whined about, then you have reinforced the child's understanding that whining produces results. Dr. Kevin Leman says that you should never, ever, pay off whining with any kind of reward or benefit. Never, ever.

Dr. Leman states that a child's behavior problems generally relate to the child's need for one of two things: the parent's attention and to get what the child wants. If you ignore the whining and never, ever, reward it, then you will have removed both of the child's purposes. The child will need to look for another way to get what he or she wants, and the child can be guided to do so in a more appropriate and acceptable way. In my household and studio, whining will net the immediate response of "no." Whatever it is that is being whined about will not happen. I guarantee it. That is my "punishment" for having to suffer through the whining. This may sound harsh to some, but I will tell you that whining does not happen in my studio. Ever.  At least it does not happen to me. It may happen to a parent, but we work on that as part of the teaching and learning process. Remember, I teach the parents as much as I teach the student. Teaching the Suzuki Method is more than just teaching music.

What if you are the whiner? Is it possible for an adult to whine? Of course it is. Remember, whining is a way that many folks have learned to use in order to get something. Unfortunately, the kind of attention whining generates is negative, and whining is not a very mature (or attractive) behavior. Whining is certainly not a seemly behavior in an adult.

If you are a whiner, pay attention to how much noise you make with talk that is unproductive. Focus on what it is you want or need and learn how to ask for it in a mature way. If it is your child who whines, then teach the child how to ask for things appropriately. Do not reward any inappropriate behavior. Nip this obnoxious whining habit right away at every opportunity. Learn to say "please, may I?" and to accept the word "no." Teach your child to do the same.

"While others may argue about whether the world ends with a bang or a whimper, I just want to make sure mine doesn't end with a whine." -- Barbara Gordon

E - Excuse Maker

If you are an excuse maker, then you have the habit of making excuses to avoid blame or being held responsible for some act or other. I find this to be a disturbing character trait, because a person who makes excuses as a way of life is also someone who avoids taking personal responsibility for their actions and who tends to blame others for the personal failings of the excuse maker.

"Ninety-nine percent of the failures come from people who have the habit of making excuses." -- George Washington

This is a tricky character trait, because we have all done this at some point or another. One way to really learn something about yourself is to avoid making excuses and to say instead, "I'm sorry." The expression of these simple words rather than some lengthy excuse or other will reveal so much more depth to our thinking and way of living.

The next time you are late somewhere, do not be so quick to excuse yourself. Start out with "I'm sorry," and then see where that leads you. Instead of saying, "I had a flat tire," or "traffic was terrible," apologize first and then give the REAL reason why you are late, e.g., "I did not leave enough time for travel holdups."

The new habit of not making excuses will also reveal something else of yourself that you might have been hiding from your view. I recall a colleague of mine once telling me that he made a commitment to stop making excuses. Later when he was asked whether he had given a recital during the previous year, he began his explanation with an excuse to explain why he had failed to give a recital. He stopped himself and found that by not allowing himself to give an excuse, he felt compelled instead to look inward and deal with the true reason why he had not given a recital.

"It is wise to direct your anger towards problems -- not people; to focus your energies on answers -- not excuses." -- William Arthur Ward

To summarize: complaining, whining, and making excuses are not attractive or productive character traits in a teacher or anyone else. To build a new habit to avoid these behaviors will take practice. Look for ways to recognize and express gratitude and appreciation. If you make complaints, make sure you make them to someone who has the power to do something about the complaints. Make sure you know how to express yourself appropriately and maturely when you ask for something that you want or when you are told "no." Lastly, make sure you forego excuse making. Instead, begin with an apology ("I'm sorry") and follow that with the real reason behind your actions.

Let me know which of these three character traits you identify with and some of your experiences. Personally, I struggle with the C issue. I work fervently to find ways to be positive, thankful, and gracious. I look for ways to weed out any issues of pride or arrogance. I am not a whiner, so that issue was a nonstarter. I did consider excuse making, but I found it easy to start with "I'm sorry" and acknowledge my actual reasons. I focus most of my attention on the complaining issue.

What about you? What do you struggle with? How do you handle these issues?