Smiling Your Way Through Violin Practice (or How Not to Quit)

Someone asked me how to practice with her child and feel like smiling at the same time. Let me describe how I would do this if I were a parent.

If the child were very young, I would sit with her on my lap and hold her. I would give generous hugs. I would turn my voice into a soft blanket and let my love warm our connection. Here is how the conversation might go:

“Mommy loves you very much,” I would say with a smile. “Do you know how much? Let me tell you.”

I would smile and look in their eyes with as much love as I could muster.

“What do I do when you are hungry?”

You feed me.

“That’s right. I make sure that your tummy is full of food.”

I would touch or pat the stomach area.

“What do I do when you are thirsty?”

You give me something to drink.

“That’s right. I give you something to drink.”

I would touch my fingers to the child’s lips and maybe give them a little kiss.

“Why do you think I send you to school?”

You want me to learn things.

“That’s right. I want to fill up your mind with things that are important to learn and know. I am feeding your mind.”

I would touch the child’s forehead.

“Do you know why we practice the violin together and go to music classes and lessons? 

Here I would touch the area above the child’s heart and smile deeply at the child.

“We learn the violin together because we are feeding our hearts and spirits. We are filling up our hearts with beautiful music.”

Now the real lesson begins.

“If you are hungry, would I stop feeding you? Of course not! I am a good mom and I would make sure that you were not hungry.”

Hugs and smiles again.

“If you are thirsty, would I stop giving you a drink? Of course not! I would always give you a drink because I love you very much.”

I would offer more hugs, smiles, and hair stroking.

“If you wanted to stay home from school every day, would I let you? No, of course not! I want your mind to be full and not empty.”

And the big question comes next.

“If you did not want to practice the violin or go to violin classes and lessons, would I let you stay home?”

I would wait for the child to answer this question, because the child knows that the parent loves him or her.

No, you would not let me stop practicing or going to violin class.

“That’s right. I want to fill your heart with beautiful music. I want you to share in the wonderful gift that music will bring to your heart and spirit.”

“I want this gift for you because I love you very much. Are you ready to practice together now?” And I would smile as big as I could.

Imagine how wonderful our practices together would be if we focused on the beautiful gift we gave each other rather than on the work!

I am puzzled to hear that students want to quit playing or studying a musical instrument. I wonder how that situation came to be. If the parent were to accede to the child’s complaints and desires to stop instruction, I can only wonder how the parent would think that listening to a young child is the answer. After all, is that not why there are parents in the world? Who would think that a 4 or 7 or even a 13 year old would have enough life experience to understand what the benefits of music education are? I might listen to the argument that a child made and discuss it, but as an adult, I think it is my responsibility to make decisions based on my adult education and experience and not that of a child.

Yes, I know, sometimes it is hard to persevere when the child is frequently grousing about practice or going to lessons (or doing homework or taking out the garbage or going to school or not seeing enough of their friends or boyfriends). That is why there are parents in the world, because we have had the time and life experience to weather these storms of complaint and melodrama. These moments of frustration and dissension may be golden opportunities to offer the lesson of perseverance and discipline, which will eventually lead to the ultimate prize of high self-esteem that comes from achievement, fulfillment, and diligence.

One parent told me that she handled the situation by labeling the family in a way that discouraged the child from wanting to quit. “You are a Smith [fictitious name]. The Smith family does not raise quitters. We don’t even understand what it means to quit.” And then she walked away. She said that the child never brought up the subject again.

My personal story shares some elements with the Smith family. I began learning the piano when I was three years old; my mother, a primary school teacher and singer/pianist, was my first instructor. My mother and I had some difficulties working together, although her motivation was good. She did the best that she knew how, and we did not have parent education/Suzuki training courses in those days. Our practices together evaporated, and I was left to play by myself.

My father also played piano; he is a most excellent jazz pianist! My sister and I were treated to my father’s wonderful jazz music every single day that we lived at home. We fell asleep to his practicing, and we learned a lot about jazz musicians of the time and various styles. It was a real treat to put in our special requests for songs on our way to bed and then to fall asleep waiting to hear our father entertain us with our favorites.

Inevitably I wanted to be just like dad. When I was 5, I asked to take piano lessons again. This time my mom had a serious talk with me. If I really wanted to take lessons, I would have to think long and hard about what that meant. If I were to take lessons, I would have to continue taking them until I graduated high school or no longer lived at home. If I were to take lessons, I could not quit. Period. That was the end of the discussion. My mother left me with that and told me to think about it and make sure that I could live up to my decision when I made it.

I did think about it. I know I was only five years old, but I was a fairly smart cookie even then. I vividly recall lying down under the baby grand piano and looking out the front window of our house as I thought about it. Did I really want to play the piano and take lessons for that length of time [yes, I was smart enough to figure out on my fingers how many years it would be until I graduated high school]? Could I live with that decision for such a long time? (13 years is a very long time for a 5 year old to consider). I made the positive decision, and my mom got me started with lessons with a lovely teacher. I studied with her for seven or eight years before moving to another town and starting with another teacher.

Did I continue playing piano until I graduated high school or left home? Yes, I played all the way through college, and I continue to play and perform as a pianist and accompanist to this day, even though my primary profession is as a violinist. I have played piano for the San Antonio and Austin Symphonies. I have accompanied university musicals. I have accompanied many, many students of various instruments, as well as professional musicians in recitals. In fact, just the other day, I was accompanying two of my husband’s trombone students at a regional school performance event, and I ran into two band director friends whose pianist had not shown up (there was some very bad weather that caused traffic snarls and closed roads). I stepped in at the last minute as an emergency accompanist for these students. I love playing piano professionally and for my own personal enjoyment.

When I was 7 years old, I ran away from home. I packed a suitcase, unloaded my money from my piggy bank, and marched off about 2 miles away from home to camp out in the little wilderness area behind our local grocery store. I planned to live on Muenster cheese and chocolate Life Savers. The funny part is that I left my parents a note telling them that I was running away but not to worry because I would be back on Wednesday for my piano lesson.

I guess my mother’s lesson about commitment really took hold. I am still practicing piano and violin.

Happy practicing!

Monday Morning Check In: Limits and Complaints

This article was updated on December 21, 2016.

When we cast a look back at our lives up to this point in time, we can see that there are goals and plans that we did not accomplish. As we map out a new plan for the upcoming new year, we would do well to consider why we have not succeeded. This thought process brings us to question four in Jinny Ditzler's "Best Year Yet!" program: "how do I limit myself and how can I stop?"

In order to have a best year in the coming new year, we need to discover how we limit ourselves and own up to the responsibility for our lives turning out just the way we planned them, thought about them, created them. What are our reasons for not succeeding?

Here are Jinny Ditzler's basic questions to consider:

• How do I limit myself?
• What has it cost me to do so?
• How have my limits benefited me?
• Am I willing to stop limiting myself?

When we examine ourselves within the framework of the above questions, we uncover the true focus that guides us to the kind of life results we get. But, instead of accepting a limiting paradigm, we can create and focus on an empowering paradigm. Here are Jinny Ditzler's four steps to shift a paradigm:

• Discover your limiting paradigm.
• List your limiting thoughts, feelings, and perceived benefits.
• Create a new empowering paradigm.
• Shift to the new paradigm whenever you are haunted by your old, limiting one.

One of the trickiest parts to make a paradigm shift in thinking is to find ways to remind yourself whenever you slip from the new way of thinking to the old way. Let me share one technique with you -- the complaint-free world campaign.

Started by Will Bowen in 2006, his complaint-free idea has reached possibly 6 million people or more from 106 countries. Will Bowen's idea was to wear a purple bracelet on one arm. Any time he caught himself complaining, gossiping, or criticizing, he would switch the bracelet to the other arm and renew his commitment to focus on the positive instead. The goal is to go at least 21 consecutive days (which could take 4 months to complete!), and ideally make this a new life habit. It counts if you speak it, but there is no proscription if you think it.

I bought some black hairbands so that I could wear the "bracelet" while performing with the symphony. I was prepared to move my bracelet back and forth several times during the day and was pleasantly surprised that I went one or two days without a single complaint. I have had to switch the bracelet to the other arm a few times over the course of the week, but I am surprised to find out that I did not complain as often as I thought I did.

I think the reason for my success was due to the bracelet as a reminder. The bracelet helped me to remember not to complain. Another benefit to this enterprise was that I considered any negative aspect about anything in order to see whether it qualified as a complaint. In so doing, I discovered that there was a subtler aspect to negativity that I had not considered before. Now that I wear my bracelet, I have evaluated the words I say and sift them carefully before I speak them to be sure that they contain nothing that others might consider a complaint. This is probably the greatest gift from wearing the bracelet: thinking before I speak.

As you explore this week how you might be limiting your achievements, consider using the complaint-free technique I have outlined above. The bracelet can represent any aspect of change that you wish to make.

If you are interested in exploring more of Jinny Ditzler's program for the best year yet, click on the book link below (affiliate link):

Happy Practicing!

----- Paula -----

© 2016 by Paula E. Bird

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Never is there a good time for a teacher-student relationship to end, but right now there is a new school year beginning for many of the Western world, and folks may be contemplating a change in teachers. Now might be a good time to discuss this important issue and ways to minimize the emotional damage for the parent, the student, and especially the teacher. I may focus on the parent's perspective more than the teacher's here because in my experience the parent is usually the quickest to end the teaching-learning relationship. Sometimes a parent is unaware of the teacher's emotional connection; teachers often hang onto a teaching relationship longer than they should because of the tremendous amount of emotional investment the teacher has made.

Teachers will share with you that the relationship with a student is a very personal one. In order to be an effective and influential teacher, the teacher must give something of him- or herself. A good teacher does not just give instructions, advice, and directions. A good teacher addresses the whole personality of the student and mentally prepares a program that will encourage, strengthen, and nurture the student to reach his or her greatest potential. There may be some teachers who fall short of that mark or who may not be the best fit in a particular student situation, but I believe that most teachers would agree with me about our purpose as good teachers.

How does one break up this teacher-student relationship and in many cases the teacher-parent relationship? There are several perspectives to consider since there are three persons involved in the relationship (sometimes more than three if other family members are involved). The typical teaching-learning relationship will include the teacher, the student, and the parent. In the Suzuki world this is referred to as the Suzuki Triangle. Each point of the triangle is important to the growth and potential of the learning situation. If one person along the point of the triangle is not doing his or her "job," the shape of the triangle will be "altered" in a way that is detrimental to the student's continued learning success. The most optimum teaching-learning environment is one in which each point of the triangle is at its strongest.

Each part of the triangle is important:

• The teacher's responsibility is to teach the parent how to be an effective teacher or coach on the home front during the student's home practices. The teacher also teaches the student all the technical aspects of making a good sound on the instrument and of effectively expressing a musical idea or emotion. The teacher has typically attended many institutions of higher learning and taken many different levels of teacher training in order to be effective in this aspect of teaching.

• The parent's job is to teach the child at home in the teacher's stead. The parent is responsible for playing the listening assignments and for practicing the assigned homework material. In addition, the parent assists the child in learning a new piece (fingerings and bowing) and in practicing effectively.

• The child's job is to simply be a child. We allow the child to attend to his or her learning through the child's senses, at the child's optimum pace, within the framework of the child's ability to concentrate, and helping the child achieve skill development through effective review and repetition as the child focuses on one thing at a time. [Thank you, Jeanne Luedke for your excellent teaching on this subject!]

At some point in the process, the distinctions between the various triangle roles disappear and the parties take on added or different roles. The teacher strives to guide the student to be his or her teacher in many respects as the student reaches the advanced stages of musical development. The parent fulfills the role of a coach and fan and functions more in the realm of waving flags and shouting hoorays from the balcony. And the student assumes more and more responsibility for making and implementing his or her own decisions about expressing musical ideas and what technical means to use to accomplish the best expression of those musical ideas.

All of my discussion to this point is to help others understand how involved everyone becomes in the process. The longer the relationship has gone on, the deeper the relationships and emotional connections. When a parent, teacher, or student makes the decision to break the connection, there will be emotional upheaval and hurt, and sometimes anger as a way to express the hurt. In many situations, the teacher will emotionally grieve the loss of the relationship, and the student will feel abandoned, even if the teacher is not the reason for the breakup. The student will be watching the adults and how they handle the situation, so be aware of the role you choose to play in the scenario. Remember, as teachers and parents, we are always role modeling for the child how the child should behave as an adult. Please be responsible in your behavior and show the child what is the mature way to handle this type of situation.

Here are some of my suggestions for ending the relationship in a positive way:

Acknowledge the past history in a positive way.  Avoid complaining. Avoid blaming. Avoid any negativity. Recount the history of your relationship together with gratitude and joy. There is no benefit to  giving criticism and making judgments other than to puff yourself up, even if you are correct in your assessment. Your child is watching to see how you handle this situation, so please consider the kind of behavior and message that you wish to reveal and have your child learn from observing you.

Avoid pointing fingers of blame for your decision. If the parent is ending the relationship, please avoid accusing the teacher of falling short in some way. Just stay focused and positive. Nothing good gets accomplished by being negative or even making nasty remarks. Remember, most new teachers will call the former teacher to get the "whole story." I never enjoyed being put on the spot in that way. I understand that for many people, if there is a nasty breakup, the former teacher may find it difficult to cast the historical information in a positive light. So, take personal responsibility for your choice and state your reasons in a positive, logical (unemotional), and nonaccusatory way. As a teacher, I spend several months and several conversations or emails trying to fortify the relationship and bring everyone back to the same positive teaching-learning environment. When I finally give up, it is because I have finally concluded that I am the only one left in the relationship who cares how it turns out.

Avoid complaining. Stay upbeat. Do not use the breakup as an opportunity to air your stored grievances. Expressing your complaints now will not change anything or improve the situation for any of the parties in the future. Remember your child is watching to see how you handle this situation, so act well. Pulling out all the kitchen-sink grievances is not an effective demonstration to your child or student of how to handle conflict.

Allow the other person to "save face." The other person may become upset, but nothing useful will come from an argument. Since it takes two people to make an argument successful, take the higher road and refuse to argue. Just accept the other person's anger and agree with them. The argument will eventually fizzle.

Apologies are worth extra points. If you can find it in your heart to do this, you can walk away from the situation with a well deserved pat on the back. Accept responsibility for the problem and sprinkle your apologies liberally throughout the conversation. In the words of the famous cinema star Clark Gable, apologize for your shortcomings.

Thank the teacher for the experience that you had with them. Whether you deem the relationship with the teacher to be worthy of continuing or not, the fact of the matter is that the teacher did invest his or time in the teaching-learning relationship and deserves to be thanked for the time and effort that he or she put forth.

Next time, do your homework. Choosing a teacher should not be a quick decision. Speak to the teacher, ask the teaching community for recommendations about the teacher, observe the teacher in the teaching-learning environment, and provide your child with an opportunity to interact with the teacher before entering into the new relationship. Many new parents call me and expect me to provide little more than glorified babysitting services. That is not what I do and it certainly is not my purpose in life. I spend a great deal of time honing my teaching skills so that I can provide the greatest service to my students and their parents and families. I expect that my parents and students will enter into the true spirit of the teaching-learning relationship and will not accept them into the studio if I think that I cannot help them to progress along the learning road. Some parents may contact me without doing their homework first, but I make sure that they do it before they embark in a relationship with me and my studio.

Whatever you do, do it with class. I got this advice when I was a youngster about to quit my first major job in a fit of anger. I heard this advice two hours before I was about to stage a royal blowup. I considered the wisdom of the advice and instead completely reconstructed my resignation plan. I followed all the steps I outlined above. I acknowledged all the persons in the organization by name and listed their contributions to my personal growth in the workplace. I thanked everyone for all that they did to help me on the job or in my growth. I stayed positive and avoided complaining. I did not work up a frothy blame game but instead focused on what I had learned and what value I would take from my work experience and put into my future endeavors. I chose my positive and grateful attitude and expressed it liberally and in a public manner via a memo addressed to all the partner-directors of the organization.

Let me tell you the benefits I received from taking this "high road" of ending the relationship. My employers and fellow workers made their good-byes with big smiles on their faces (and tears in their eyes in a few cases). I got big bear hugs from some of the top dogs. I got acknowledgment in return for all that I had contributed to the firm. The firm actually sent me a sizable amount of outsource work in the month that followed, which really helped me out financially. And because I showed that I had class, I was included in their recommendations to others.

Most of all, I felt good about what I had done and the way I had handled it. I felt like a grownup.

Please show consideration and thoughtful reflection in your relationships, whether it is with your students, your children, the studio parents, or the teacher. Please show some class and professionalism in the manner in which you end a teaching-learning relationship.

Monday Morning Check In: Are You a C, W, or E?

We have been discussing character traits in teachers the past few weeks. Last week's discussion focused on anger, the after shocks of expressing it, and how we might eliminate anger from our make up. Today, I want to focus on three other character traits.

I ask my incoming or new university students to identify whether they are a C, a W, or an E. Most people can relate to one of these three character traits. Occasionally I will run into someone who claims all three. These traits are: Complaining, Whining, or Excuse Making.

C - Complaining

I think complaining is the second most common character trait after the trait of anger. There may be several reasons why someone complains. We might complain because we have a sense of superiority and a desire to show that we are better than another or know more about how things should be done. We might complain to express dissatisfaction, resentment, or annoyance. We might complain because we have a legitimate grievance. We might be venting a little to get things "off our chest."

Have you noticed that people generally do not complain to anyone who has the power to change the problem the person is complaining about? I find this absolutely fascinating, which leads me to think that the need to express our superiority or to vent are the reasons why we complain. Whatever our reasons for doing so, let me suggest that others do not enjoy listening to complaints. If you pay close attention, you will notice how folks begin to edge away from the complaining person inch by inch.

It does not really matter why or how we got to the state of being a complainer, it just matters that we work to eliminate this unpleasant character trait. I offer two suggestions:

• Make your complaints to the person who has the power to address the complaints. If you are uncomfortable taking this step, then you might as well just give up the complaint entirely. "If you have the time to whine and complain about something then you have the time to do something about it." -- Anthony J. D'Angelo.

• Develop an attitude of gratitude. It is difficult to complain about something when you are steering your focus in another direction. Look at things with an eye toward expressing appreciation and thankfulness. Find opportunities to offer encouragement and gratitude to others for their contributions or efforts. By looking for ways to bolster and support others, you will be turning your thoughts away from yourself and your need to wallow in unpleasantness and focusing instead on someone other than yourself. You will be involved in making the world a better place rather than expressing ways of tearing the world down.

What should you do when someone complains to you? I find that the easiest solution is to edge away by inches yourself and then be careful about associating with that person in the future. I do not spend time arguing with a complainer or offering a more positive perspective. I find that when I try to do so, I just encourage the complainer to entrench more deeply in their complaining position. I save my breath, my energy, and my optimism by smiling, finding a graceful way to excuse myself from the complaining conversation, and seeking to follow a more productive pursuit. I find it helpful to plan in advance and have a list of possible activities to offer as a reasonable escape, such as a visit to the restroom, returning a phone call, or getting to an appointment on time.

"Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving." -- Dale Carnegie (American lecturer and author, 1888-1955)

W - Whining

Most of us have experienced whining from the receiving end. For those of you who have not, imagine putting a car into neutral gear and then stepping on the gas pedal. The sustained high pitch noise you would hear is what whining sounds like to those of us who have to hear it from a child or another person. Parents can relate to feelings of exasperation and annoyance that come from hearing a whining child.

What is whining anyway? As my car example shows, whining is a lot of unproductive noise. The engine whines but the car does not move. People whine and make noise but do not necessarily do anything. However, whining may annoy others to the point that THEY do something. Remember the old adage about the squeaky wheel getting the grease?

Our society today seems not to frown on whining as much as I think should be the case. To me, whining is a form of rebellion. The whining child or adult is actually saying "No!" Whenever I hear whining, I remind myself that if words were to replace the whining, how I would respond? My answer is that I would usually respond quickly to address the rebellion problem. I believe that parents and teachers or others with authority over the child should not permit a child to respond in a rebellious way to instructions or directions, just as I believe that we should not respond inappropriately to each other as adults. [Remind me to tell you sometime about my name tag theory].

I understand that there are folks who believe that children do not have the cognitive reasoning to actually design their whining and other behavior traits to accomplish such negative purposes. However, I remember one young student of about 6 or 7 years old who was using a whiny voice about something. I looked her in the eye and said, "You're using your whiny voice. Do you find that works for you?" I was being sarcastic, of course, but the child's answer was, "It doesn't work on my mom, but it sure works great on my dad!" The mother's look at her child's comment was very entertaining!



One parent told her child that the parent had something wrong with her ears, and when her child spoke in a "baby voice" (whiny voice), the parent could not hear what the child said. Another parent blended a special "whine medicine," which consisted of several nasty tastes all mixed together (e.g., ketchup, grapefruit juice, Tabasco drops). An older child in the family helped by "confiding" in the younger child how awful tasting the whine medicine was. When the parent said they would have to get the whine medicine to cure the child's whine, the older child would quickly chime in, "Yuck! You don't want to take the whine medicine!"

A child may whine because whining puts the child in charge of the parents and because whining produces results from the child's point of view. If you have ever given a child what the child whined about, then you have reinforced the child's understanding that whining produces results. Dr. Kevin Leman says that you should never, ever, pay off whining with any kind of reward or benefit. Never, ever.

Dr. Leman states that a child's behavior problems generally relate to the child's need for one of two things: the parent's attention and to get what the child wants. If you ignore the whining and never, ever, reward it, then you will have removed both of the child's purposes. The child will need to look for another way to get what he or she wants, and the child can be guided to do so in a more appropriate and acceptable way. In my household and studio, whining will net the immediate response of "no." Whatever it is that is being whined about will not happen. I guarantee it. That is my "punishment" for having to suffer through the whining. This may sound harsh to some, but I will tell you that whining does not happen in my studio. Ever.  At least it does not happen to me. It may happen to a parent, but we work on that as part of the teaching and learning process. Remember, I teach the parents as much as I teach the student. Teaching the Suzuki Method is more than just teaching music.

What if you are the whiner? Is it possible for an adult to whine? Of course it is. Remember, whining is a way that many folks have learned to use in order to get something. Unfortunately, the kind of attention whining generates is negative, and whining is not a very mature (or attractive) behavior. Whining is certainly not a seemly behavior in an adult.

If you are a whiner, pay attention to how much noise you make with talk that is unproductive. Focus on what it is you want or need and learn how to ask for it in a mature way. If it is your child who whines, then teach the child how to ask for things appropriately. Do not reward any inappropriate behavior. Nip this obnoxious whining habit right away at every opportunity. Learn to say "please, may I?" and to accept the word "no." Teach your child to do the same.

"While others may argue about whether the world ends with a bang or a whimper, I just want to make sure mine doesn't end with a whine." -- Barbara Gordon

E - Excuse Maker

If you are an excuse maker, then you have the habit of making excuses to avoid blame or being held responsible for some act or other. I find this to be a disturbing character trait, because a person who makes excuses as a way of life is also someone who avoids taking personal responsibility for their actions and who tends to blame others for the personal failings of the excuse maker.

"Ninety-nine percent of the failures come from people who have the habit of making excuses." -- George Washington

This is a tricky character trait, because we have all done this at some point or another. One way to really learn something about yourself is to avoid making excuses and to say instead, "I'm sorry." The expression of these simple words rather than some lengthy excuse or other will reveal so much more depth to our thinking and way of living.

The next time you are late somewhere, do not be so quick to excuse yourself. Start out with "I'm sorry," and then see where that leads you. Instead of saying, "I had a flat tire," or "traffic was terrible," apologize first and then give the REAL reason why you are late, e.g., "I did not leave enough time for travel holdups."

The new habit of not making excuses will also reveal something else of yourself that you might have been hiding from your view. I recall a colleague of mine once telling me that he made a commitment to stop making excuses. Later when he was asked whether he had given a recital during the previous year, he began his explanation with an excuse to explain why he had failed to give a recital. He stopped himself and found that by not allowing himself to give an excuse, he felt compelled instead to look inward and deal with the true reason why he had not given a recital.

"It is wise to direct your anger towards problems -- not people; to focus your energies on answers -- not excuses." -- William Arthur Ward

To summarize: complaining, whining, and making excuses are not attractive or productive character traits in a teacher or anyone else. To build a new habit to avoid these behaviors will take practice. Look for ways to recognize and express gratitude and appreciation. If you make complaints, make sure you make them to someone who has the power to do something about the complaints. Make sure you know how to express yourself appropriately and maturely when you ask for something that you want or when you are told "no." Lastly, make sure you forego excuse making. Instead, begin with an apology ("I'm sorry") and follow that with the real reason behind your actions.

Let me know which of these three character traits you identify with and some of your experiences. Personally, I struggle with the C issue. I work fervently to find ways to be positive, thankful, and gracious. I look for ways to weed out any issues of pride or arrogance. I am not a whiner, so that issue was a nonstarter. I did consider excuse making, but I found it easy to start with "I'm sorry" and acknowledge my actual reasons. I focus most of my attention on the complaining issue.

What about you? What do you struggle with? How do you handle these issues?