Monday Morning Check In: Freedom From Limits

I made an interesting discovery this week. As I have written in the past, I complete “morning pages” daily on a fairly consistent basis. I habitually wake up on the early side of the day and spend about 20 to 30 minutes thinking and writing about whatever is on my mind.

This past week I have struggled with “skittered thoughts.” This is my description for those times when I cannot seem to calm my mind down, when my mind seems to be in the active “monkey mind” as the yoga instructors refer to it. My thoughts alight on one thought only to bounce off a few seconds later and head off in another direction. Very disconcerting.

I accomplish very little on mornings like this. My goal is to complete three full hand-written pages in my composition book (4 if the book is wide-ruled), about 25 minutes’ worth of writing. On “skittered thoughts” mornings, I flit from one idea to another, jump up a minute later to make a note about something, cross the room to complete a small task, and then return to my writing. All of my actions seem relevant at the moment I do them because I cannot calm my mind down to a speed that allows me to grasp the core of an idea to wrestle it onto the page. Instead, I reach to catch the tail end of each thought, and my skin starts to crawl with unexplained physical energy. I am agitated and exasperated because I cannot seem to sit still for more than a few seconds at a time.

Less coffee, you suggest. I wondered about that myself, but I have not altered my caffeine intake in years. I always drink the same size cup of caffeine every day. If I add to my load, I do it later in the morning.

I also thought that the problem stemmed from my having something I needed to really digest on the written page. I worked hard to dig into the words and see what the pen turned up. Nope. Nothing changed.

Then I remembered an old saying, referred to as “Parkinson’s Law.” This expression was published by Cyril Northcote Parkinson in an essay in “The Economist” on November 19, 1955: “Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion.” See the full article at: http://www.economist.com/node/14116121. This expression means that if I allow myself 10 minutes to dust my living room, then amazingly enough, it actually takes 10 minutes! The flylady.net folks use this phenomenon to their advantage by suggesting that house cleaning activities be timed so that they last only as long as the time you allow to complete them.

What could it hurt to try it? I grabbed my iPhone and asked Siri to set the timer for 23 minutes, which she gladly did for me. I asked Siri to play the "Beethoven for Book Lovers" playlist to put me in the writing mood. Then I started writing as fast as I could, because I knew that 23 minutes was about 3-5 minutes too short for how long I would need to write three pages of long-hand writing. Surprisingly, I ended my third page of writing at the sound of the timer going off. I happily report that at no time during those 23 minutes did my mind skitter around my thoughts. I wrote with a purpose and fierce determination to finish before the timer sounded.

I did not stop with that one day’s writing experiment. I continued the rest of the week by repeating the timed writing exercise, and I completed each day’s writing assignment with no return of the skittering thoughts problem.

I went to the grocery store the next day. I had a bank deposit ready to put in the bank, but I had not yet put the checks into my account. Usually I make my deposits as checks become available, and then I grocery shop as I need. I use a grocery list and do not usually succumb to impulse purchases. I do not limit myself much when I shop for groceries; I usually have enough to buy what I need or desire.

Because I had not yet deposited my checks into the bank and was using a debit card, I did not have the funds in the bank to cover shopping in my customary manner. I had to pull some cash from an emergency stash before heading off to the store.

How could I limit my purchases so that I would come in under the amount that I had in my wallet? I grabbed a grocery cart, whipped out my iPhone, and used the calculator function to record the price of each item as I put it in my cart. I kept a running tally of my proposed purchases as I swept through each grocery aisle. At some point I came dangerously close to a total that exceeded the amount of cash in my purse. I surveyed my cart and decided to switch a few items for smaller sizes, and in one case I decided to buy one package rather than two.

I was amazed that I had managed to arrive at a final cart total that fit within the budgeted amount of money I had put in my wallet. As I thought about the entire shopping experience, I realized that I had spent about $20-30 less than I might have spent if I had shopped in my customary way. I had still bought everything I needed, but I had made some choices along the way that altered my final total in a positive way. By saving money on my shopping trip, I had given myself the freedom to make additional purchases in the future, whether groceries or some other category (clothes or books),

What did these “limiting” experiences teach me? I learned that by limiting the amount of time or money I would spend on an activity, I gained more focus on my activity. I concentrated on what I was doing in order to succeed within the limits I had set for myself.

I made choices. I could not buy everything. I could not write about every thought that entered my mind. I prioritized and selected what I purchased or wrote.

There is a value in setting limits. Freedom is lovely, but I notice that when I have a free day (which is exceedingly rare in my life), I do not get very much done. I end my free day wondering where the time went. What I learned this week is that by setting limits to how I spend my time, my money, and my attention, I actually create more time for myself to do something more or at least to do nothing if I so desire.

I once learned of a study about children playing in backyards. In one backyard, the children were told where the boundaries of the backyard were, but there were no visible markers of the boundaries. In the other backyard, the children had a fence that clearly set off the limits of the backyard; the children were very aware where the backyard ended because the fence stood there.

In the unfenced backyard, the children played throughout the entire yard area, but they tended to stop short several feet from the "boundary." In the fenced backyard, the children played in every inch of the yard, including the last few feet within the fence. The conclusion was that when the children were aware of the physical boundaries, they played more freely within the perceived physical limits. When the children were unsure where the actual boundaries stood, they curtailed their spatial play area. They did not feel free to use all the space available to them.

The lesson to be gleaned here? Setting a clearly defined limit allows more freedom. In other words, we gain freedom from limits.

I have given you two examples of how setting a limit might offer more freedom in return. Imagine how many more ways we could use this trick to free us from the thoughts and things we use to limit ourselves.

What a paradox! By setting limits we free ourselves from our limits.

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This is Monday Morning. Have you done your weekly homework? Have you reviewed and completed the checklists from last week? Here is the typical weekly list checklist. Look it over and make an effort to get things in order.

Weekly Checklist

o Have you scheduled all your necessary appointments or lessons for the week on your calendar?

o Is there anything you want to accomplish this week that needs to be broken down into manageable steps over several calendar days?

o What major projects or goals are you working on this week?

o What materials do you need to gather to complete a particular project this week?

o What steps can you take this week to move yourself forward on your goals?

o What can you do today to make some forward progress on your goals?

o What phone calls do you want to make this week? Do you need to schedule time to make those calls?

o What emails do you want to make this week? Do you need to schedule time to write those emails?

o Are you waiting to hear back from someone? Have you scheduled the day when you will follow up with that person?

o What errands do you want to do this week?

o Have you scheduled time to do those errands?

o What materials do you need to gather together to complete those errands?

o Have you sent out your tuition bills for the month?

o Have you done your record keeping from the previous week (or month)?

o Have you scheduled your practice time for the week? Maybe I should move this item further up the list, because I think it is an important daily item.

  I added something new to my checklist. My father sends me a beautiful day planner calendar from the Smithsonian Institute every Christmas. Since I use my iPhone for my calendar and just about everything else in my life, including teaching, I have not found much use for the planner.

This week I tried scheduling my daily activities for each day. I started out the week by "inking" in all the activities, appointments, and lessons I had. Then each day I would visit the day planner and schedule what I would do every hour of the day in general. This is something different than the activity log I completed in the past. I found that I could use the day planner for this same purpose, and I like that I can see the entire week at a glance. So I will be adding a new entry in my weekly checklist: have you planned out your activities for the week? 

Useful Parenting Tool: The Power to Walk Away

I am going to tell you a teaching and parenting story from my real life studio archives. This story I am about to share with you illustrates one of the most effective teaching and parenting tools I have ever discovered: the power to walk away.

Once upon a time I took a course in negotiation, and I learned many useful tips. The most important lesson I learned was: "don't lose the power to walk away." A person loses the power to walk away when they become afraid of the consequences of not reaching an agreement about something. They are afraid that they will lose any part of the opportunity if they do not agree with whatever is on the table at the moment. That is the point, however, when the negotiating power can be at its strongest, because the other side also has the fear of what they will lose when they walk away from the negotiating table.

What does this have to do with teaching and parenting? Absolutely everything. I say that with complete conviction because I have been observing children and their parents for almost four decades. The issue also trends in popularity at various times. Right now I find the issue quite common because parents are truly too busy to spend the time necessary to correct and instruct (discipline) the child concerning unacceptable behavior.

I have one truly terrific parent in my studio, however, and I want to share this amusing and powerful story with you.

Last week I had a lesson with a three year old who has been coming to lessons about six months and doing a terrific job learning how to play the violin. This last lesson, however, was not so great. The child's family routine had been disrupted due to some unexpected travel out of town to help a grandparent move. Although the mom did her best to maintain the child's practice, the schedule was disrupted, and the child was reacting unpleasantly to the change in routine. The practice sessions were not happy and were becoming less and less productive overall. Mom was doing everything short of standing on her head, and things had not improved.

At the child's lesson, I spent some time helping mom to come up with a few little practice games and routines to try at home. Then I began teaching the child. I got very little cooperation from the child. She fell apart like a jellyfish the minute I let go. She would not hold a single position in place. Finally, about five minutes from the end of her "lesson," the child stopped even turning her head to the left to put on the violin. She absolutely balked, and then refused to turn her head and put it on the violin.

I turned to mom at that point and said that was all for the lesson that day. "What was the fun thing that you WERE going to do after her lesson today and which is NOT happening now?" I hinted. Her mom told me that they had talked about buying a little toy on the way home from the lesson if the lesson had gone well, which it most definitely had not. I reminded mom that buying the toy would NOT happen now, would it?

It took the child about 30 seconds for the reality of the consequences to sink in. During that short window of time I quickly instructed the mom about what to expect and do next to be sure that we were both on the same page. I warned mom that there would be a huge blowup momentarily, and that it would be pretty nasty for about 20 minutes. And under absolutely NO CIRCUMSTANCES was the mom to change her mind or give the child an opportunity to earn the privilege back that day. The opportunity was completely lost. Period.

And that is when the caterwauling began. Wailing, crying, and desperate clinging measures were used. The child kept tugging on mom's arm and urgently repeating, "I'll be good, I'll be good, I'll be good! I'm sorry, mommy, I'll be good!" Mom started to turn around and talk to the child, probably in an attempt to calm the child down, but I engaged the mom in a pleasant conversation instead. Actually the two of us were trying very hard not to giggle at the situation, because we had predicted that this would happen. Mom could have asked the child to comply with any direction at that moment, as the child was completely compliant, obedient, and absolutely desperate to go buy that toy.

I am so sorry that we did not have a video camera running during the entire episode, because this was a classic "how to" video for parents. Thankfully, the child's mother is a great mom and is strong enough to withstand all the child's tactics.

Here is the power tool that my student's mom employed:

• Say it once
• Turn your back
• Walk away

What do you say? "I'm sorry, but I didn't like [fill in the blank.] So, we are not going to do [fill in the blank.]" You do not discuss the matter any further than your first pronouncement. That is the "turn your back" and "walk away" part. And that, my friends, is the simple yet incredibly effective tool of "the power to walk away."

How does the story end? I got a text message from mom today: "I'm soooo happy! [The child] feels horrible about last week and has practiced everyday without drama. She'll say, 'I'll practice without the drama.' :)"

So the next time you are tempted to give in to your child's demands, remember to give "the power to walk away" a try.

If you want more information about how to use this tool effectively, read Dr. Kevin Leman's book Have a New Kid by Friday. You can purchase the book to read on your Kindle or Kindle app.

Monday Morning Check In: Keep Your Eye on the Prize

Life is a series of ups and downs. We cannot avoid trouble or problems, nor can we ignore them. We may prefer to experience joy and celebration in every moment of our lives, but pinning all our hopes and expectations on this wishful thinking is unrealistic. We will be riding life's roller coaster of ups and downs, so we had better find a way to survive the ride until the end.

I do not think we have any trouble finding ways to enjoy our life's up swings, however, learning how to successfully hang on during the down swings may be another story. I would like to share one technique that can help you stay focused and moving forward in the face of adversity: "Keep your eye on the prize."

I had a fruitful discussion with a close friend and colleague this week about creating a different sort of goal statement than the types of goal setting I have previously espoused in this blog. Rather than a specific set of goals to accomplish, my friend and I talked about a goal that was more global. We were in effect discussing the creation of a mission statement or purpose for my work. I have discussed Stephen R. Covey's The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People in earlier blog posts. Creating a mission statement can span two of the seven habits:

• habit #2: begin with the end in mind

• habit #3: put first things first

Habit #2, begin with the end in mind, involves developing a principle-centered personal mission statement that includes long term goals based on personal principles. Habit #3, put first things first, involves spending time doing those things that fit within my personal mission and finding balance between all the various roles of my life.

My friend and I spent some time discussing my personal mission statement as it related to my work at the university. After discussing the various roles I played and the university's expectations of its faculty, my friend and I developed a three-point mission statement that covered the various aspects of my university teaching work. It covered my personal development and the performance of my teaching duties, my work as it related to my colleagues and working conditions, and my role in the larger university collegiate arena.

After developing this mission statement of purpose, I wrote it on a small card of bookmark size. For several days I referred to the bookmark often and read the statements that we had written on the card. I spent several days reflecting in my morning pages on the areas of my work that would fall under each of the three points. And finally, I used the card and my reflection time to develop specific items or goal areas that I wanted to effect improvement in myself and in my working relationship with my colleagues and work partners.

When those times of adversity arrive, and arrive they surely will, you will have a prize to fix your eyes upon. You can use the bookmark or card to remind yourself frequently what your purpose and mission statement is. When you are in the midst of a necessary confrontation, you will have something to remind you of your purpose and personal mission. If you keep your eyes fixed on the prize that you have set before you on a card or bookmark, you will have something to direct your steps during those times when you are being buffeted by unimportant distractions.

To try this idea, write a basic three-point mission statement of purpose for yourself. As with the Covey habit program, develop a statement that addresses and moves you through each of these three areas: dependence, independence, and interdependence. Make your own series of cards or bookmarks with your basic three-point mission statement, and place the cards or bookmarks in various places in your environment so that you are frequently reminded of your identified purpose and mission in life.

"Remember that in a race everyone runs, but only one person gets the prize. You also must run in such a way that you will win." - 1 Corinthians 9:24.

"And let us run with endurance the race that God has set before us." Hebrews 12:1b

For a good summary of Stephen R. Covey's 7 Habits, visit: http://www.quickmba.com/mgmt/7hab/.

Teacher "Parenting"

I would like to address the issue of parenting during the teaching process. So much of what we do as teachers is more than just teaching the student how to play the violin. At least that is the case for me. I take Dr. Suzuki's philosophy of developing the whole child very seriously. Everything I do with a student is geared toward the development of the child to be a productive member of society. I work on posture, self confidence, character, attitude, behavior, concentration, perseverance, and discipline. I just happen to use the violin (or the miniature violin in some cases) as the vehicle to working in these areas. I prefer using the violin rather than the piano for several reasons:

• The violin is capable of being made small enough to accommodate a particular student's size as opposed to a piano which is full-size for all students.
• Proper posture on the violin requires that the student use the arms in a way that crosses the "mid-line" of the body, while the piano keeps the hands on each respective side of the mid-line. The crossing mid-line gestures aid in brain development.
• The violin requires a certain approach to the instrument, and when a student deviates from the optimum approach, the teacher is able to easily discern the problem. Often times the student's personality leads to the playing problems, and the violin quickly reveals the problems.

As a young teacher, I was not comfortable handling behavior or other problem issues in the studio during lessons and group classes. I preferred to have the parents address these problems with their children so that I was able to maintain a teaching relationship with the student at all times. I still prefer that, however, I have learned over the years that I need to step in and take a more proactive role in the child's "training." And I have also found that most parents gladly welcome my help in this area. I am very careful to ask up front about how the parent feels about my involvement. I spend time during my parent course talking to the parent about possible issues and how we might handle them. Still, when lessons actually begin after the parent course is completed, the parent and I find that issues pop up that we hadn't considered. Then it becomes an issue of whether the parent will welcome my involvement in this area.

I was not comfortable disciplining a child when I was a younger teacher, however, I have learned over the years that I have to be on top of this issue in order to maintain an effective teaching situation in private and group lessons. For this reason, I recommend that teachers spend time in their professional development learning how to be good in this area. You will need the knowledge and skills to keep students in line, to solve behavior problems during lessons and group classes, and to help guide parents to solve problems in the home. Believe me, there are many parents out there who will look to you for major guidance and help in this area. Just because we as teachers might not have children (as in my case), the parents are faced with new situations themselves and will welcome any advice we can offer.

I find it particularly useful to use the studio as as "training ground" for certain social skills. For example, I have a container full of Dum-Dum lollipops, and students may choose one after a "good" lesson. I have certain rules, however, that govern whether a student is "eligible" to get a lollipop.

First, a student must actually have a lesson. Ha ha, that sounds funny, but there are times when a student is having a "million dollar lesson" day, and the student really doesn't have the lesson because we are having another sort of "lesson" concerning behavior.

Second, depending on the parent's values (and I haven't met a parent yet that didn't have this value), the child must ask for the lollipop appropriately. "May (can I) have a lollipop, please?" For really little kids, "please" or some semblance of "Pweeze" will do. The magic word is "please" or some semblance of it.

The second step is excruciating for the parent and teacher because, believe it or not, the child will often balk at having to say "please." Maybe it is just a comment on the human condition in general, but more often than not, the student will opt to enter a power struggle at this point. They will button their lips closed in a tight line, shake their heads (or their fists in the air), and absolutely refuse to say the magic word. Recently at a lesson, the not-quite-two-year-old sibling was faced with the choice of "asking" for the lollipop by saying please. For about three minutes, the mom and two younger sisters kept cajoling the little brother to say "please." A lot of gyrations and wheedling went on. Finally I shushed everyone and asked the definitive question: "does anyone here think that 'Marcos' [fictitious] does not understand what he is to do?" Everyone agreed that Marcos was very clear on what he was to do. He just was not doing it. I told his sisters and mother to put the lollipop back unopened. If the lollipop had been opened already, I would have thrown it in the trash can while the child watched. What do you want to bet that this child will say "please" at the next lesson?

The third step, once the student has said the magic word, is that the student must remember to say "thank you" within an appropriate amount of time. If the student does not remember to express gratitude in a reasonable amount of time, I will take the lollipop back, even if that means that I will throw the sucker in the trash can. I do not want to foster the attitude in children that they are entitled to things without having to express gratitude and appreciation in return.

This rule may seem harsh, but it works like a charm in my studio. I have seen students remind each other of the proper behavior. This peer pressure is even more effective than something from a parent or teacher.

This is just one example of a rule in my studio. I subscribe to the Cesar Milan "Dog Whisperer" philosophy of raising dogs: provide them with rules, boundaries, and limitations. Not that my students are comparable to dogs. Still, we all benefit from the discipline and knowledge gained from dealing with rules, boundaries, and limitations, especially me. And in the process, the parent and I learn even more about the student's personality and what future problems we might encounter.

I'd like to recommend several sources as a starting point to developing a teacher's training skills to run the studio in a constructive way:

• 'Have a New Kid by Friday" by Kevin Leman

• "The Essential 55" by Ron Clark (also a movie called "The Ron Clark Story" starring Matthew Perry)

There are several training "areas" in my studio:

• the lobby area has a different color carpet and siblings are not allowed into the blue carpet teaching area until after the lesson is over; siblings or other students must remain in the brown carpeted area until their lesson begins. This rule is great for siblings. They must stay in the "waiting area" until the lesson is over, which frees the mom up to take notes and pay attention to the lesson. The siblings learn to stay in a certain area (impulse control).
• the lollipop routine: I have discussed how we set up students and younger siblings to ask for something and to express gratitude within an appropriate amount of time.

My most favorite lesson recently was a young boy with a new violin. He wanted to be "first" in the lesson before his sister, but he took so long to get his act together, that I was convinced that he had another agenda. Knowing the little boy as well as I do, I figured his agenda was still in the area of testing me and also in his need to control everything and everyone in his world. I waited a reasonably short amount of time for him to get ready for his lesson (violin out of the case, shoulder rest put on, bow wound up and rosined, and everything laying on the teaching table awaiting tuning), then I announced that I would start the lesson with his sister. The "teachable moment" happened seconds later when he asked "why." I explained that he was taking too long, and we were losing valuable teaching time. During his lesson time, we discussed the matter in greater depth. I mentioned that his mom could even help him to think about this on the way to his lesson next time, so that he would remember what he needed to do to be "ready" to start his lesson.

Today was the "next time," and this little boy raced into the lesson (early, while I was still teaching someone else), had his violin whipped out and everything ready to go, and was sitting on the couch waiting until the lesson before his had finished, while his little legs were swinging back and forth with impatience. Now that was a great lesson!

I encourage you to take the bigger view of what being a teacher is all about. Do not just teach the violin and how to play it. Instead, be a teacher and teach about the bigger life issues!