What's Love Got to Do With It?

Recently I broadcast a podcast episode that began a short series about the importance of love in the parent-child relationship. This love topic applies to more than just a parent and child; it also applies to a teaching relationship as well. In this episode I again stressed the importance of why parents are important in a child's life and I expanded my ideas. Here are the basic points about love that I made:

1. Children want to please their parents, so parents have a great deal of power when it comes to influence and role modeling.
2. Parents are with their children more time than anyone else. Again, parents have a great deal of power to influence because of the hours spent with the children.
3. Parents care how well their children do or develop more than anyone else.
4. Parental love is the first love a child experiences and this experience affects how the chid will develop a relationship with the world and others later in life.
5. Love expands. It never contracts or constricts.
6. Love is a verb. It is something we do, not something we have or hold.

I also discussed the importance of building an interdependent relationship between the parent and the child rather than push the child toward independence too soon or before the child is ready.

I continued the discussion by setting out a few things that parents might do to establish and strengthen the parent-child bond of interconnectedness and interdependence. I also related Dr. Suzuki's admonition that children will treat their elderly parents as the children witness how the parents treat their neighbors and others now.

I finished up the current episode by discussing unconditional love. How does one define this ultimate expression of love? Here is St. Paul's definition of love, written to the Corinthians over two centuries ago:

Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut, Doesn't have a swelled head, Doesn't force itself on others, Isn't always "me first, "Doesn't fly off the handle, Doesn't keep score of the sins of others, Doesn't revel when others grovel, Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, Puts up with anything, Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back, But keeps going to the end.

(The Message by Eugene H. Peterson, affiliate link) 

Dr. Suzuki was once asked, "Why do you teach?" His answer was:

"First for the love of the child; second, for the love of teaching the child; and third for the love of the music that is taught the child, but the child always comes first."

You may listen to the podcast episode on iTunes, Google Play, or Stitcher Radio, or you may click the link here: Click here. The subsequent episode that completes this mini series discussion can be found here.

Happy Practicing!

----- Paula -----

 © 2017 by Paula E. Bird

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The Case for Perfection

A thought struck me today: parents today do not want their children to strive for perfection.

That seems a bit harsh, I told myself. Do you really want to take that extreme position?

I am not sure, but as I look at parental behaviors concerning their children, I sometimes wonder if this harsh position is not indeed what parents want, or in this case, do not want.

My next thoughts were, What does perfection mean exactly? Is perfection a good thing to strive for after all? What reasons could parents subconsciously have for not helping their children to achieve perfection? Teachers want perfection in their students, right? Is there anything that we teachers can do to encourage our parents to want this same lofty goal?

Is anything ever perfect? No, probably not, I concluded. I think perfection is one of those illusory goals. We strive to achieve it for a variety of reasons: accolades, awards, success, challenge. I think, however, that the reason we strive for perfection is that it makes us become more than who we are at the moment we first begin to strive for perfection.

A muscle does not become stronger unless it is challenged. This muscle challenge process is quite interesting. In order to form or strengthen a muscle, it must first be torn down. We exercise it, but we must challenge the muscle with our exercise. We cannot keep working the muscle the same way that we started or it will not grow. Muscles are made up of many tiny fibers. We must stress the muscle (micro trauma), and tiny little micro tears appear in the fibers. Over the next 48 hours, the muscle will repair the fiber tears more strongly than before. If we stress the muscle again, the process of rebuilding and strengthening will continue.

When we strive for perfection, the moment at which we attempt to measure whether we have achieved perfection is gone in a flash. We can only evaluate what has now become a memory or past event. If we were to set up another evaluation to measure whether we have achieved perfection anew, we would measure another past point in time. This is what I meant by perfection being one of those illusory goals. It does not remain static. It is by its very definition just out of reach. Like a muscle, however, the striving for perfection will result in strength. Whenever we strive for something, we will become stronger in the process of striving. Sounds circular, I know, like the chicken and the egg scenario. Think of the circle as a hamster wheel. The purpose of the wheel is to encourage exercise. Just get on the wheel already and let the exercise process begin.

What parental behaviors do I see that leads me to make the observation that parents do not seem to want their children to achieve perfection? Here is a short list of parental behaviors as they relate to the music studio:

• Parents often do not practice consistently with their children. In many cases, I am unsure whether parents really understand the concept of practice and how it should be done. I spend a great deal of time teaching the parents about practice techniques. 

• Parents often do not adequately supervise how their children perform and practice.

• Parents often do not require perfection in practice or practice habits. The child is left to adopt unhealthy posture habits. Parents seem to routinely allow inadequate work to suffice.

• Parents liberally offer many possible excuses for not doing adequate work at home or for allowing the child to turn in less than stellar home practice work.

• Parents seem to allow their children to spend an inadequate amount of time to work on developing a skill or ability.

• Parents often seem not to make many strong demands on their children to do work of any kind, to earn the right to relax and have fun, or to experience the logical consequences to the children's choices regarding behavior. Gosh, even parents do not make this strong demand on themselves, if you review the list I just made.

Why do I think parents do not want perfection? One reason may be that striving for perfection would involve work. This kind of work might require the parent to step out of him- or herself and operate outside of an entrenched comfort zone. Another reason may be that parents are too busy or want their job of parenting to be easy or easier.

The sad news, I must tell you, is that the job of parenting is not easy and will not ever become easy. The job of parenting will not end. The job continues even after the child has moved out of the home, become an adult, or married and started a family. My husband calls it the "job for life." Parenting is indeed a lifelong commitment. Parenting is indeed work. If a parent cares at all about the child, the parent will be willing to put in the time and effort to make sure the job is done and done correctly.

Yes, I believe that teachers want their students to strive for and achieve perfection, whatever perfection should look like at the moment. I believe that teachers choose this profession because of their innate desire to make the world a better place, even an "ideal" place if you will. We teachers do the best we can under the circumstances. We have the opportunity to teach the child a fraction of the time in a child's week, and yet, we generally approach our job with as much effort as we can. We strive for perfection because this is the way we can bring out the best possible result in a child.

How can teachers encourage parents to share this vision of the value of striving for perfection? There may be several possible ways:

Role Modeling: As a teacher and performing professional musician, I model for my students and their parents what it looks like to strive for perfection. I am not perfect, but I do not lower my standards for myself. I continue to challenge myself with new repertoire and new performance opportunities. [I am performing in Carnegie Hall next week with the Artisan Quartet -- a dream come true for any musician!] I continue to study new subjects and revisit old subjects with new perspective.

Standards: I set high standards for myself, my students, and my students' parents. I expect my students and their parents to do the best that they can. I am here to help at all times, but I will not permit my students or their parents to allow me to do the work for them which should rightfully be completed by my students and their parents.

Information: I provide a great deal of parenting and teaching information to my studio parents in the form of my initial parent education course and throughout the course of a student's musical study program with me. I maintain this teaching blog, and as many of you know, I spend a great deal of time sharing useful information about parenting as well as teaching.

Love: Finally, let me urge parents to love their children. When a parent loves his or her child, the parent will do what needs to be done to help the child. The parent will want what is best for the child, and the parent will seek out other people who can help the parent to achieve that lofty goal. I believe that perfection is a lofty goal and most definitely in the best interest of the child.

Where love is deep, much can be accomplished. -- Dr. Shinichi Suzuki

For another perspective about perfection, please visit Dr. Laura Markham's newsletter issue: "Perfection is too low a Standard".

Smiling Your Way Through Violin Practice (or How Not to Quit)

Someone asked me how to practice with her child and feel like smiling at the same time. Let me describe how I would do this if I were a parent.

If the child were very young, I would sit with her on my lap and hold her. I would give generous hugs. I would turn my voice into a soft blanket and let my love warm our connection. Here is how the conversation might go:

“Mommy loves you very much,” I would say with a smile. “Do you know how much? Let me tell you.”

I would smile and look in their eyes with as much love as I could muster.

“What do I do when you are hungry?”

You feed me.

“That’s right. I make sure that your tummy is full of food.”

I would touch or pat the stomach area.

“What do I do when you are thirsty?”

You give me something to drink.

“That’s right. I give you something to drink.”

I would touch my fingers to the child’s lips and maybe give them a little kiss.

“Why do you think I send you to school?”

You want me to learn things.

“That’s right. I want to fill up your mind with things that are important to learn and know. I am feeding your mind.”

I would touch the child’s forehead.

“Do you know why we practice the violin together and go to music classes and lessons? 

Here I would touch the area above the child’s heart and smile deeply at the child.

“We learn the violin together because we are feeding our hearts and spirits. We are filling up our hearts with beautiful music.”

Now the real lesson begins.

“If you are hungry, would I stop feeding you? Of course not! I am a good mom and I would make sure that you were not hungry.”

Hugs and smiles again.

“If you are thirsty, would I stop giving you a drink? Of course not! I would always give you a drink because I love you very much.”

I would offer more hugs, smiles, and hair stroking.

“If you wanted to stay home from school every day, would I let you? No, of course not! I want your mind to be full and not empty.”

And the big question comes next.

“If you did not want to practice the violin or go to violin classes and lessons, would I let you stay home?”

I would wait for the child to answer this question, because the child knows that the parent loves him or her.

No, you would not let me stop practicing or going to violin class.

“That’s right. I want to fill your heart with beautiful music. I want you to share in the wonderful gift that music will bring to your heart and spirit.”

“I want this gift for you because I love you very much. Are you ready to practice together now?” And I would smile as big as I could.

Imagine how wonderful our practices together would be if we focused on the beautiful gift we gave each other rather than on the work!

I am puzzled to hear that students want to quit playing or studying a musical instrument. I wonder how that situation came to be. If the parent were to accede to the child’s complaints and desires to stop instruction, I can only wonder how the parent would think that listening to a young child is the answer. After all, is that not why there are parents in the world? Who would think that a 4 or 7 or even a 13 year old would have enough life experience to understand what the benefits of music education are? I might listen to the argument that a child made and discuss it, but as an adult, I think it is my responsibility to make decisions based on my adult education and experience and not that of a child.

Yes, I know, sometimes it is hard to persevere when the child is frequently grousing about practice or going to lessons (or doing homework or taking out the garbage or going to school or not seeing enough of their friends or boyfriends). That is why there are parents in the world, because we have had the time and life experience to weather these storms of complaint and melodrama. These moments of frustration and dissension may be golden opportunities to offer the lesson of perseverance and discipline, which will eventually lead to the ultimate prize of high self-esteem that comes from achievement, fulfillment, and diligence.

One parent told me that she handled the situation by labeling the family in a way that discouraged the child from wanting to quit. “You are a Smith [fictitious name]. The Smith family does not raise quitters. We don’t even understand what it means to quit.” And then she walked away. She said that the child never brought up the subject again.

My personal story shares some elements with the Smith family. I began learning the piano when I was three years old; my mother, a primary school teacher and singer/pianist, was my first instructor. My mother and I had some difficulties working together, although her motivation was good. She did the best that she knew how, and we did not have parent education/Suzuki training courses in those days. Our practices together evaporated, and I was left to play by myself.

My father also played piano; he is a most excellent jazz pianist! My sister and I were treated to my father’s wonderful jazz music every single day that we lived at home. We fell asleep to his practicing, and we learned a lot about jazz musicians of the time and various styles. It was a real treat to put in our special requests for songs on our way to bed and then to fall asleep waiting to hear our father entertain us with our favorites.

Inevitably I wanted to be just like dad. When I was 5, I asked to take piano lessons again. This time my mom had a serious talk with me. If I really wanted to take lessons, I would have to think long and hard about what that meant. If I were to take lessons, I would have to continue taking them until I graduated high school or no longer lived at home. If I were to take lessons, I could not quit. Period. That was the end of the discussion. My mother left me with that and told me to think about it and make sure that I could live up to my decision when I made it.

I did think about it. I know I was only five years old, but I was a fairly smart cookie even then. I vividly recall lying down under the baby grand piano and looking out the front window of our house as I thought about it. Did I really want to play the piano and take lessons for that length of time [yes, I was smart enough to figure out on my fingers how many years it would be until I graduated high school]? Could I live with that decision for such a long time? (13 years is a very long time for a 5 year old to consider). I made the positive decision, and my mom got me started with lessons with a lovely teacher. I studied with her for seven or eight years before moving to another town and starting with another teacher.

Did I continue playing piano until I graduated high school or left home? Yes, I played all the way through college, and I continue to play and perform as a pianist and accompanist to this day, even though my primary profession is as a violinist. I have played piano for the San Antonio and Austin Symphonies. I have accompanied university musicals. I have accompanied many, many students of various instruments, as well as professional musicians in recitals. In fact, just the other day, I was accompanying two of my husband’s trombone students at a regional school performance event, and I ran into two band director friends whose pianist had not shown up (there was some very bad weather that caused traffic snarls and closed roads). I stepped in at the last minute as an emergency accompanist for these students. I love playing piano professionally and for my own personal enjoyment.

When I was 7 years old, I ran away from home. I packed a suitcase, unloaded my money from my piggy bank, and marched off about 2 miles away from home to camp out in the little wilderness area behind our local grocery store. I planned to live on Muenster cheese and chocolate Life Savers. The funny part is that I left my parents a note telling them that I was running away but not to worry because I would be back on Wednesday for my piano lesson.

I guess my mother’s lesson about commitment really took hold. I am still practicing piano and violin.

Happy practicing!

Quick Parenting Tip: Smile

I am a big fan of the “Dog Whisperer,” Cesar Milan. I have read most of his books, watched many episodes of his television program, and participated in his online learning program. Let me tell you about one of Cesar’s useful training tips that I think parents should practice regularly with their children.

During the feeding ritual, before actually releasing the dog to eat his or her food, there is a moment when Cesar asks the human to gaze at the dog with a smile and expression of love. This smiling gaze lets the dog feel the human’s positive, warm energy. This is a bonding experience for the dog and the human, who is the dog’s pack leader. The gaze is momentary, but the ritual helps the dog to maintain a calm and relaxed attitude.

Imagine how powerful this ritual would be between a parent and child. What a lovely habit for a parent to develop! The benefits to both the child and parent would be immeasurable.

I understand how difficult it may be for parents to love their children 24 hours a day amid the daily problems and behavior issues. I have often witnessed a parent’s struggle to maintain calm, assertive leadership that would also allow the parent to express love, gentleness, patience, and kindness. Sadly, there are times when I wonder whether a parent likes his or her children because I witness the parent’s seemingly constant battering of sarcasm, impatience, and anger.

Children are important. Like my canine companions, children are dependent on adults for everything: food, shelter, and nurturing. Food and shelter provisions attend to children’s physical needs. Nurturing and a parent’s expressions of love apply to children’s spiritual and emotional needs. A parent’s love and attention to a child will fill up the child’s emotional tank with the most important thing the child will need to face the world with strength and to grow into a secure and stable adult.

 Please spend some time today thinking how you can develop the habit of looking at your child with love and a smile. From this simple habit will grow the larger habit of loving your child.