Useful Parenting Tool: The Power to Walk Away

I am going to tell you a teaching and parenting story from my real life studio archives. This story I am about to share with you illustrates one of the most effective teaching and parenting tools I have ever discovered: the power to walk away.

Once upon a time I took a course in negotiation, and I learned many useful tips. The most important lesson I learned was: "don't lose the power to walk away." A person loses the power to walk away when they become afraid of the consequences of not reaching an agreement about something. They are afraid that they will lose any part of the opportunity if they do not agree with whatever is on the table at the moment. That is the point, however, when the negotiating power can be at its strongest, because the other side also has the fear of what they will lose when they walk away from the negotiating table.

What does this have to do with teaching and parenting? Absolutely everything. I say that with complete conviction because I have been observing children and their parents for almost four decades. The issue also trends in popularity at various times. Right now I find the issue quite common because parents are truly too busy to spend the time necessary to correct and instruct (discipline) the child concerning unacceptable behavior.

I have one truly terrific parent in my studio, however, and I want to share this amusing and powerful story with you.

Last week I had a lesson with a three year old who has been coming to lessons about six months and doing a terrific job learning how to play the violin. This last lesson, however, was not so great. The child's family routine had been disrupted due to some unexpected travel out of town to help a grandparent move. Although the mom did her best to maintain the child's practice, the schedule was disrupted, and the child was reacting unpleasantly to the change in routine. The practice sessions were not happy and were becoming less and less productive overall. Mom was doing everything short of standing on her head, and things had not improved.

At the child's lesson, I spent some time helping mom to come up with a few little practice games and routines to try at home. Then I began teaching the child. I got very little cooperation from the child. She fell apart like a jellyfish the minute I let go. She would not hold a single position in place. Finally, about five minutes from the end of her "lesson," the child stopped even turning her head to the left to put on the violin. She absolutely balked, and then refused to turn her head and put it on the violin.

I turned to mom at that point and said that was all for the lesson that day. "What was the fun thing that you WERE going to do after her lesson today and which is NOT happening now?" I hinted. Her mom told me that they had talked about buying a little toy on the way home from the lesson if the lesson had gone well, which it most definitely had not. I reminded mom that buying the toy would NOT happen now, would it?

It took the child about 30 seconds for the reality of the consequences to sink in. During that short window of time I quickly instructed the mom about what to expect and do next to be sure that we were both on the same page. I warned mom that there would be a huge blowup momentarily, and that it would be pretty nasty for about 20 minutes. And under absolutely NO CIRCUMSTANCES was the mom to change her mind or give the child an opportunity to earn the privilege back that day. The opportunity was completely lost. Period.

And that is when the caterwauling began. Wailing, crying, and desperate clinging measures were used. The child kept tugging on mom's arm and urgently repeating, "I'll be good, I'll be good, I'll be good! I'm sorry, mommy, I'll be good!" Mom started to turn around and talk to the child, probably in an attempt to calm the child down, but I engaged the mom in a pleasant conversation instead. Actually the two of us were trying very hard not to giggle at the situation, because we had predicted that this would happen. Mom could have asked the child to comply with any direction at that moment, as the child was completely compliant, obedient, and absolutely desperate to go buy that toy.

I am so sorry that we did not have a video camera running during the entire episode, because this was a classic "how to" video for parents. Thankfully, the child's mother is a great mom and is strong enough to withstand all the child's tactics.

Here is the power tool that my student's mom employed:

• Say it once
• Turn your back
• Walk away

What do you say? "I'm sorry, but I didn't like [fill in the blank.] So, we are not going to do [fill in the blank.]" You do not discuss the matter any further than your first pronouncement. That is the "turn your back" and "walk away" part. And that, my friends, is the simple yet incredibly effective tool of "the power to walk away."

How does the story end? I got a text message from mom today: "I'm soooo happy! [The child] feels horrible about last week and has practiced everyday without drama. She'll say, 'I'll practice without the drama.' :)"

So the next time you are tempted to give in to your child's demands, remember to give "the power to walk away" a try.

If you want more information about how to use this tool effectively, read Dr. Kevin Leman's book Have a New Kid by Friday. You can purchase the book to read on your Kindle or Kindle app.

The Case for Having Parents in the Lesson

I recently read through someone's blog that mentioned their child's music lesson. It seemed that the parent was not actually in the lesson but was observing the lesson from a window between another room and the teaching area. I wanted to share my thoughts about that.

I am sure there are many different styles of teaching, but I would like to make the case for having a parent in the same room as the lesson. I want my parents there for several reasons:

to take notes: In the beginning, the parent takes notes for his or her own use at home and as reminders of the teacher's assignment. Later the student will rely on the parent's notes to remember what the lesson homework is. When in the midst of a lesson, students often forget what the teacher has requested.

to get clarity: If the parent is nearby, he or she can quickly ask a question for clarity. As a teacher, I can also quickly gauge whether the parent understands what I am saying.

to observe carefully: If the parent is nearby, he or she can easily see the attention to detail that I am giving in the lesson. A parent cannot see accurately what I am doing from 12 feet away! Some of my parents cannot even see what I am doing from two feet away! I need the parents near so that I can be sure the parent understands what I am doing and how I want things accomplished. (Many of my parents also read this blog to keep their memories refreshed as well).

to interact: I prefer that my parents not interact during the lesson except to ask questions for clarity. This means that I ask my parents not to make noises of any kind (no yawns, frustrated sighs, or helpful hints to the student). Removing the parent from the lesson will make this easier for the parent and for me, but having the parent in the same room is actually very enlightening to me, the teacher, about the sort of relationship the parent has with the student and the need the parent has to make an impression on me. Both of these types of observations help me a lot to devise ways of teaching the parent to be a better parent and to have a better parent-teacher relationship with the child.

A parent that needs to "help" their child by giving them helpful fingerings or translating my questions into their child's "language" is not helping the child at all. After all, the child needs to be able to answer questions no matter who asks them and no matter what form the question words take. It is arrogant on the parent's part to assume that they alone understand what the child is thinking or that the child needs to have help remembering something. Helping the child to remember something by reminding them is also not helping the child to strengthen their memory skills. It is the actual act of recalling that helps a child remember something over the long term. Sometimes little children need things repeated many, many times before they actually internalize the information. How many hours did the parent drive a car before it became easy to drive?

If a parent is truly doing a good job in the home practice (practicing daily, practicing accurately, letting the child learn rather than telling them what to do, and actually PRACTICING by accurate repetition of difficult spots or new skills more than just once or twice in a practice session), then the child will probably not need such helpful advice from the parent during the lesson. From these sorts of parent behaviors I am able to identify a parent who wants to look good in my eyes (but not necessarily by doing the assigned homework) or who wants to take the easy way out in practice sessions by telling the child what to do. Sometimes too such a parent is just naturally prone to be authoritative, and maybe even a little dictatorial in style. Some personalities find that style to be natural. I happen to be one of those choleric types, so I understand all too well the temptation to get involved in a lesson. When I went to institute and observed one of my students in a group class situation, I found it very difficult not to engage my student during the class, even though I knew that I should not interrupt the teacher's connecting focus with the class participants. When the institute teacher glanced at me during one of these trying moments, I knew I would either have to leave the class or sit on my hands and keep my mouth clamped shut. I chose to stay and focus on the teacher rather than my student.

to learn: I ask my parents to try out the same skills that I am teaching to their child. If the child is learning how to make good bow holds, then I ask the parent to make good bow holds (I find that the student comes to the next lesson with the same bow hold that the parent makes, so I make sure the parent can demonstrate the bow hold I want the student to come to the next lesson with). The child often enjoys having the parent be part of the process, at least in the beginning, and I find it useful to have the child help me to teach the parent. Remember the following proverbs and quotations about the value of teaching someone else something that we ourselves learn:

"I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand." -- Chinese Proverb

"If you would thoroughly know anything, teach it to others." -- Tryon Edwards

"By learning you will teach; by teaching you will understand." -- Latin proverb

I think that goal is best served by working together with the parent and not by building distance between us, such as by banishing the parent to another room or by insisting that the parent address me by a fancy title. My parents address me by whatever name they wish the child to call me, however, in emails and personal conversations we use more familiar names. That is because I am embarking on what I hope will be a lifelong relationship and friendship with that parent. I am building a lengthy and very personal partnership with the parent. Our joint goal is to create a fine human being out of the parent's most prized "possession" -- the child. Of course I want the parent there to be a part of this wonderful growth experience!

There are times when a student comes to me from another teacher or later in life, and I find that the student does better when the parent is not part of the lesson. I find this state of affairs sad. Of course, when the student finally reaches the independent phase of learning, I understand the desire to have the parent be elsewhere during the lesson. I also understand that this "distance" is a natural part of the student's growth as an individual.

In this blog post discussion, I am not talking about this independent "distance" phase of development. I am talking about the earlier phases in a child's learning, which is all the time before the "independent" stage. When does a student go independent? When a parent asks me this, my usual answer is: "when you feel comfortable handing over the car keys." For some parents (and students), this major event might not happen until after the child leaves home.

What if a teacher insists that they want the parent out of the room? As a parent, I would want to understand why the teacher had that policy. I would listen very carefully to the explanation. I would make sure that I as a parent could duplicate the teaching assignment accurately at home. Perhaps the teacher finds it easier to teach without the parent's presence distracting the student. I would want to understand very clearly what the teacher's concerns are, and I would also want the teacher to afford me an opportunity to address the areas I discussed above. Would there be an opportunity at the end of the lesson for me to ask questions for clarity, for me to take notes and get an accurate assignment, for me to observe closely and learn the same skill so that I could duplicate it at home?

Parents, please do not be intimidated by your child's teacher! Although the teacher is due your respect and that of your child, please do not park your natural understanding and education at the door to the studio. If something doesn't seem right to you, ask respectful questions and seek more information. There are many good teachers out there, and you may find a teacher that fits your desires for your child more comfortably. Do not hesitate to consider this option.

To those parents who claim that they prefer not to be in their child's lessons, I as a teacher have to wonder why the parent would prefer not to be involved in their child's learning. If the parent and child have a difficult relationship, then I would think that the parent would want to understand why and to work to build a more pleasant and stronger parent-child relationship. If the parent and child have a strained relationship, then something is wrong. Please, please take the time to discover why and to work to improve the relationship.

If you are studying with a Suzuki teacher, please understand that the Suzuki way involves the parents. The parent learns the instrument in many cases and is part of the learning process. If you were to read Dr. Suzuki's book "Ability Development from Age Zero," you would find that Dr. Suzuki frequently addresses a parent's understanding and attitude toward their child and their child's learning situation. I believe that Dr. Suzuki well understood the importance of a child's parents in the child's development, and I also believe from what I have learned about Dr. Suzuki, that he did not hesitate to be firm in his expectations of a child's parents.

One of Dr. Suzuki's philosophical points was that he sought to develop the whole child and not just concert artists. He used the violin as the vehicle to impart the necessary life skills to achieve a productive member of society in the long run. Toward this goal, I believe it is imperative that we involve the parents as much as we can in the learning process. I want my student's parents to partner with me every step of the way. If I can help a child's parents to become even better parents due to my specialized knowledge about teaching, parenting, and child psychology and development, then I think it is my duty to share that knowledge as long as the parent welcomes it.

Teacher "Parenting"

I would like to address the issue of parenting during the teaching process. So much of what we do as teachers is more than just teaching the student how to play the violin. At least that is the case for me. I take Dr. Suzuki's philosophy of developing the whole child very seriously. Everything I do with a student is geared toward the development of the child to be a productive member of society. I work on posture, self confidence, character, attitude, behavior, concentration, perseverance, and discipline. I just happen to use the violin (or the miniature violin in some cases) as the vehicle to working in these areas. I prefer using the violin rather than the piano for several reasons:

• The violin is capable of being made small enough to accommodate a particular student's size as opposed to a piano which is full-size for all students.
• Proper posture on the violin requires that the student use the arms in a way that crosses the "mid-line" of the body, while the piano keeps the hands on each respective side of the mid-line. The crossing mid-line gestures aid in brain development.
• The violin requires a certain approach to the instrument, and when a student deviates from the optimum approach, the teacher is able to easily discern the problem. Often times the student's personality leads to the playing problems, and the violin quickly reveals the problems.

As a young teacher, I was not comfortable handling behavior or other problem issues in the studio during lessons and group classes. I preferred to have the parents address these problems with their children so that I was able to maintain a teaching relationship with the student at all times. I still prefer that, however, I have learned over the years that I need to step in and take a more proactive role in the child's "training." And I have also found that most parents gladly welcome my help in this area. I am very careful to ask up front about how the parent feels about my involvement. I spend time during my parent course talking to the parent about possible issues and how we might handle them. Still, when lessons actually begin after the parent course is completed, the parent and I find that issues pop up that we hadn't considered. Then it becomes an issue of whether the parent will welcome my involvement in this area.

I was not comfortable disciplining a child when I was a younger teacher, however, I have learned over the years that I have to be on top of this issue in order to maintain an effective teaching situation in private and group lessons. For this reason, I recommend that teachers spend time in their professional development learning how to be good in this area. You will need the knowledge and skills to keep students in line, to solve behavior problems during lessons and group classes, and to help guide parents to solve problems in the home. Believe me, there are many parents out there who will look to you for major guidance and help in this area. Just because we as teachers might not have children (as in my case), the parents are faced with new situations themselves and will welcome any advice we can offer.

I find it particularly useful to use the studio as as "training ground" for certain social skills. For example, I have a container full of Dum-Dum lollipops, and students may choose one after a "good" lesson. I have certain rules, however, that govern whether a student is "eligible" to get a lollipop.

First, a student must actually have a lesson. Ha ha, that sounds funny, but there are times when a student is having a "million dollar lesson" day, and the student really doesn't have the lesson because we are having another sort of "lesson" concerning behavior.

Second, depending on the parent's values (and I haven't met a parent yet that didn't have this value), the child must ask for the lollipop appropriately. "May (can I) have a lollipop, please?" For really little kids, "please" or some semblance of "Pweeze" will do. The magic word is "please" or some semblance of it.

The second step is excruciating for the parent and teacher because, believe it or not, the child will often balk at having to say "please." Maybe it is just a comment on the human condition in general, but more often than not, the student will opt to enter a power struggle at this point. They will button their lips closed in a tight line, shake their heads (or their fists in the air), and absolutely refuse to say the magic word. Recently at a lesson, the not-quite-two-year-old sibling was faced with the choice of "asking" for the lollipop by saying please. For about three minutes, the mom and two younger sisters kept cajoling the little brother to say "please." A lot of gyrations and wheedling went on. Finally I shushed everyone and asked the definitive question: "does anyone here think that 'Marcos' [fictitious] does not understand what he is to do?" Everyone agreed that Marcos was very clear on what he was to do. He just was not doing it. I told his sisters and mother to put the lollipop back unopened. If the lollipop had been opened already, I would have thrown it in the trash can while the child watched. What do you want to bet that this child will say "please" at the next lesson?

The third step, once the student has said the magic word, is that the student must remember to say "thank you" within an appropriate amount of time. If the student does not remember to express gratitude in a reasonable amount of time, I will take the lollipop back, even if that means that I will throw the sucker in the trash can. I do not want to foster the attitude in children that they are entitled to things without having to express gratitude and appreciation in return.

This rule may seem harsh, but it works like a charm in my studio. I have seen students remind each other of the proper behavior. This peer pressure is even more effective than something from a parent or teacher.

This is just one example of a rule in my studio. I subscribe to the Cesar Milan "Dog Whisperer" philosophy of raising dogs: provide them with rules, boundaries, and limitations. Not that my students are comparable to dogs. Still, we all benefit from the discipline and knowledge gained from dealing with rules, boundaries, and limitations, especially me. And in the process, the parent and I learn even more about the student's personality and what future problems we might encounter.

I'd like to recommend several sources as a starting point to developing a teacher's training skills to run the studio in a constructive way:

• 'Have a New Kid by Friday" by Kevin Leman

• "The Essential 55" by Ron Clark (also a movie called "The Ron Clark Story" starring Matthew Perry)

There are several training "areas" in my studio:

• the lobby area has a different color carpet and siblings are not allowed into the blue carpet teaching area until after the lesson is over; siblings or other students must remain in the brown carpeted area until their lesson begins. This rule is great for siblings. They must stay in the "waiting area" until the lesson is over, which frees the mom up to take notes and pay attention to the lesson. The siblings learn to stay in a certain area (impulse control).
• the lollipop routine: I have discussed how we set up students and younger siblings to ask for something and to express gratitude within an appropriate amount of time.

My most favorite lesson recently was a young boy with a new violin. He wanted to be "first" in the lesson before his sister, but he took so long to get his act together, that I was convinced that he had another agenda. Knowing the little boy as well as I do, I figured his agenda was still in the area of testing me and also in his need to control everything and everyone in his world. I waited a reasonably short amount of time for him to get ready for his lesson (violin out of the case, shoulder rest put on, bow wound up and rosined, and everything laying on the teaching table awaiting tuning), then I announced that I would start the lesson with his sister. The "teachable moment" happened seconds later when he asked "why." I explained that he was taking too long, and we were losing valuable teaching time. During his lesson time, we discussed the matter in greater depth. I mentioned that his mom could even help him to think about this on the way to his lesson next time, so that he would remember what he needed to do to be "ready" to start his lesson.

Today was the "next time," and this little boy raced into the lesson (early, while I was still teaching someone else), had his violin whipped out and everything ready to go, and was sitting on the couch waiting until the lesson before his had finished, while his little legs were swinging back and forth with impatience. Now that was a great lesson!

I encourage you to take the bigger view of what being a teacher is all about. Do not just teach the violin and how to play it. Instead, be a teacher and teach about the bigger life issues!