Breaking Up: How to Sever the Suzuki Triangle in a Positive Way

Never is there a good time for a teacher-student relationship to end. Let us discuss this important issue and identify ways to minimize the emotional damage for the parent, the student, and especially the teacher. In my experience the parent is usually the quickest to end the teaching-learning relationship, and sometimes a parent is unaware of the teacher's emotional connection. Teachers often hang onto a teaching relationship longer than perhaps they should because of the tremendous amount of emotional investment the teacher has made.

The teacher's relationship with a student is a very personal one. In order to effective and influential, the teacher must give something of him- or herself. A good teacher does not just give instructions, advice, and directions. A good teacher addresses the whole personality of the student and mentally prepares a program that will encourage, strengthen, and nurture the student to reach his or her greatest potential. Although some teachers may fall short of this mark or may not be the best fit in a particular teaching situation, I believe that most teachers would agree with me about this purpose of good teachers.

How does one break up this teacher-student relationship and in many cases the teacher-parent relationship in a positive way that does not wreak emotional harm and damage? Is there a good way to end a relationship of this type?

Three persons share a part of the Suzuki teaching relationship, so we should consider all of these several perspectives. The typical teaching-learning relationship will include the teacher, the student, and the parent. In the Suzuki world this is referred to as the Suzuki Triangle. Each point of the triangle is important to the growth and potential of the learning situation. If one person along the point of the triangle is not doing his or her job, the shape of the triangle will be altered in a way that may be detrimental to the student's continued learning success. The most optimum teaching-learning environment is one in which each point of the triangle is at its strongest.

Each part of the triangle is important:

• The teacher's responsibility is to teach the parent how to be an effective teacher or coach on the home front during the student's home practices. The teacher also teaches the student all the technical aspects of making a good sound on the instrument and of effectively expressing a musical idea or emotion. The teacher has typically attended many institutions of higher learning and taken many different levels of teacher training in order to be effective in this aspect of teaching.

• The parent's responsibility is to teach the child at home in the teacher's stead. The parent is responsible for playing the listening assignments and for practicing the assigned homework material. In addition, the parent assists the child in learning a new piece (fingerings and bowing) and in practicing effectively.

• The child's responsibility is to simply be a child. We allow the child to attend to his or her learning through the child's senses, at the child's optimum pace, within the framework of the child's ability to concentrate, and helping the child achieve skill development through effective review and repetition as the child focuses on one thing at a time.

At some point in the process, the distinctions between the various triangle roles disappear and the parties take on added or different roles. The teacher strives to guide the student to be his or her teacher in many respects as the student attains the advanced stages of musical development. The parent fulfills the role of a coach and fan and functions more in the realm of waving flags and shouting hoorays from the balcony. And the student assumes more and more responsibility to make and implement his or her own decisions about expressing musical ideas and what technical means to use to accomplish the best expression of those musical ideas.

All of my discussion to this point is to help others understand how involved everyone becomes in the process. The longer the relationship has gone on, the deeper the relationships and emotional connections. When a parent, teacher, or student makes the decision to break the connection, there will be emotional upheaval and hurt, and sometimes anger as a way to express the hurt. In many situations, the teacher will emotionally grieve the loss of the relationship, and the student will feel abandoned, even if the teacher is not the reason for the breakup. The student will be watching the adults and how they handle the situation, so be aware of the role you choose to play in the scenario. Remember, as teachers and parents, we are always role modeling for the child how the child should behave as an adult. Please be responsible in your behavior and show the child what is the mature way to handle this type of situation.

There are a few possible ways to handle the difficult conversation about the future of this relationship, whether it is by email, phone call, or a personal face-to-face meeting. Whichever method you choose, find a way to do it without having the students be involved. Perhaps you have observed a change in the situation or the other person's behavior. Focus your attention on the other person as a friend, and express your concern and care about the other person. 

Ask if there is anything that you can do to help the other person. Keep the conversation in a positive place. If it comes to that, you could gently explore the idea of whether another teacher would be a better fit for the current situation.

Perhaps the situation will dissolve into tears. Tears are a sign of healing and are a healthy way to share a compassionate moment with each other. Perhaps the conversation will explode into anger. Keep calm and reassured that the anger belongs to the other person. Continue to speak positively and express your concern and desire to help.

My rule of thumb is that these difficult conversations are better to held in the open than to allow them to lie silent and fester emotionally. 

Here are some more suggestions for ending the relationship in a positive way:

Acknowledge the past history in a positive way.  Avoid complaining. Avoid blaming. Avoid any negativity. Recount the history of your relationship together with gratitude and joy. Criticism and judgments offer no positive benefit to either person. Remember that your child is watching how you handle this situation, so be sure that your behavior and message is the one you want your child to learn from observing you.

Avoid blaming the other person for your decision. Avoid accusing the teacher of falling short in some way. Stay focused and positive. Being negative or making nasty remarks do not accomplish anything positive. Keep in mind as a parent, that most new teachers will call the previous teacher to get the "whole story." If there was a nasty breakup, the former teacher may find it difficult to cast the historical information in a positive light. So, take personal responsibility for your choice and state your reasons in a positive, logical (unemotional), and non accusatory way. As a teacher, I spend several months and several conversations or emails trying to fortify the relationship and bring everyone back to the same positive teaching-learning environment. 

Avoid complaining. Stay upbeat. Do not use the breakup as an opportunity to air your stored grievances. Expressing your complaints now will not change anything or improve the future situation. Remember that your child watches to see how you handle this situation, so act well. Do not pull out all the "kitchen-sink" grievances, which would be a poor demonstration to your child or student of how to handle conflict.

Allow the other person to "save face." The other person may become upset, but nothing useful will come from an argument. Since it takes two people to make an argument successful, take the higher road and refuse to argue. Just accept the other person's anger and agree with them. The argument will eventually fizzle.

Apologies are worth extra points. If you can find it in your heart to do this, you can walk away from the situation with a well deserved pat on the back. Accept responsibility for the problem and sprinkle your apologies liberally throughout the conversation. Borrowing the philosophy of the famous cinema star Clark Gable, apologize for your shortcomings.

Thank the other person for the experience that you had with them. Whether you deem the relationship to be worthy of continuing or not, the fact of the matter is that the teacher did invest his or time in the teaching-learning relationship and deserves to be thanked for the time and effort that he or she put forth. The parent was involved in the lesson process and made contributions in terms of driving, practicing, and finance that are worth acknowledging.

Next time, do your homework. Choosing a teacher should not be a quick decision. A parent should speak to the teacher, ask the teaching community for recommendations about the teacher, observe the teacher in the teaching-learning environment, and provide the child with an opportunity to interact with the teacher before entering into the new relationship. Teachers do much more than provide "babysitting" services. Many teachers view their profession as a calling on a grand scale that will have a positive, changing, and lasting impact on the global community. Teachers spend a great deal of time honing their teaching skills in order to provide the greatest service to their students and their parents and families. Do your homework and find one of these teachers.

Whatever you do, do it with class. I got this advice when I was a youngster about to quit my first major job in a fit of anger. I heard this advice two hours before I was about to stage a royal blowup. I considered the wisdom of the advice and instead completely reconstructed my resignation plan. I followed all the steps I outlined above. I acknowledged all the persons in the organization by name and listed their contributions to my personal growth in the workplace. I thanked everyone for all that they did to help me on the job or in my growth. I stayed positive and avoided complaining. I did not work up a frothy blame game but instead focused on what I had learned and what value I would take from my work experience and put into my future endeavors. I chose my positive and grateful attitude and expressed it liberally and in a public manner via a memo addressed to all the partner-directors of the organization.

Let me tell you the benefits I received from taking this "high road" of ending the relationship. My employers and fellow workers made their good-byes with big smiles on their faces (and tears in their eyes in a few cases). I got big bear hugs from some of the top dogs. I got acknowledgment in return for all that I had contributed to the firm. The firm actually sent me a sizable amount of outsource work in the month that followed, which really helped me out financially. And because I showed that I had class, I was included in their recommendations to others.

Most of all, I felt good about what I had done and the way I had handled it. I felt like a grownup.

Please show consideration and thoughtful reflection in your relationships, whether it is with your students, your children, the studio parents, or the teacher. Please show some class and professionalism in the manner in which you end a teaching-learning relationship.

The Teach Suzuki Podcast broadcast a more in depth discussion of this topic in episode 100. You can listen to that episode here.

Until next time,

Happy Practicing!

----- Paula -----

© 2018 by Paula E. Bird

7 Habits of Highly Effective Suzuki Teachers & Parents

Stephen Covey wrote a book called The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. This powerful book has been around a long time and is still popular, because Dr. Covey's book relates information that is timeless and valuable. Dr. Covey studied the "success literature" in order to glean the lessons that pertained to building and strengthening our character at its core, and the result of his study were 7 habits.

As my readers know, I am fascinated with the development of our personal character. I have written about this important subject many times (Rock or Sand -- Shifting Priorities) (Enliven Technique with Basic Goodness). This area of personal development is so important, that I think we need to spend daily time reflecting on how we can improve ourselves in this area. As I reviewed my copy of Dr. Covey's infamous book, I began to think of ways that this subject could relate to Suzuki teachers and parents. How would the seven habits look from the perspective of the Suzuki Method?

I began creating podcast episodes for each of the seven habits along with an introduction about habit formation in general. You can find the Teach Suzuki podcast on iTunes or whichever is your podcast provider. I thought it would be helpful to follow along with the podcast series in the blog as well for those folks who prefer reading rather than listening.

So stay tuned in the coming weeks, as I post articles that correspond to the podcast series about the 7 Habits of Effective Suzuki Teachers and Parents. If you want to listen to the podcast in advance of the blog articles, you can find the following episodes here:

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Suzuki Teachers & Parents (introductory episode)

Habit 1: Be Proactive | Take Charge

Habit 2 (Begin with the End in Mind | Scrooge & the Future Ghost) will be released on Sunday, July 16, 2017, at 3 p.m. CST. If you wish to subscribe on iTunes, click here. The podcast is well over a year old now and has over 100 episodes.

If you would like to follow along with the series in Dr. Covey's excellent book, click here (affiliate link: no extra cost to you but small benefit to the blog).

Until next time,

Happy Practicing!

----- Paula -----

© 2017 by Paula E. Bird

Enliven Technique with Basic Goodness

I wrote the following article sometime in 2013, but the message strongly relates to the podcast episode that aired recently (click here to listen) and prepares our thoughts for future podcast episodes. So I dusted this article off and offer it again as a piece of writing with an important idea and philosophy that is worthy of our attention. Again and often.
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"It simply makes no difference how good the rhetoric is or even how good the intentions are; if there is little or no trust, there is no foundation for permanent success. Only basic goodness gives life to technique." -- Dr. Stephen R. Covey (American educator and author, 1932-2012)

Dr. Stephen Covey wrote this in his 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (affiliate link) (Kindle version). Recall what Dr Suzuki wrote about music and character: "Beautiful tone, beautiful heart." Written in the Preface to Suzuki Violin Volume Two, Dr. Suzuki writes that "strings only sing the heart of the one who plays them. . . . because our entire personalities are revealed in the tone we produce."

"In human terms, if one lives in a self-centered, egotistical and immature way, one's life will be that of no joy and constant dissatisfaction. In other words, because of selfish needs, what one creates will be nothing but noise.

In contrast, when one lives by the principle of serving the hearts of others and learns to live for other people, one can enjoy a life of light, without discord, in harmony with others, and walk through life in pure joy. Similarly, the ultimate goal of music education, as well as the secret of violin playing is to guide others away from the world of self-centeredness to that of loving hearts in the service of others.

. . . The philosophy of violin playing is the same as that for life. Man, like the violin, can only sing the song of his own heart." -- Shinichi Suzuki (1898-1998, Japanese violinist, educator, and founder of Suzuki Method of Talent Education)

It was Dr. Covey's words about basic goodness giving life to technique that spurred my memory of Dr. Suzuki's words about the violin singing the song of the human heart. I believe that both men would agree with each other. What we are inside is revealed when we play the violin, or whenever we play music.

I teach a string techniques course at the university, in which I teach music education students how to teach string techniques. I can work a few minutes with one of the university students and tell you much about that student just by how the student approaches the instrument, by the type of sound that the student produces, and by the type and amount of energy level that the student produces while playing. I am sure that the students think I am some sort of gypsy fortune teller because I am able to accurately describe the student's personality style within minutes of teaching the student. I can guess at the types of hobbies the student might pursue, the state of the student's clothes closet at home, and what sort of social life the student maintains. I can accurately guess what types of grades a student usually gets in classes and how uptight the student is.

When I listen to student recitals, I can close my eyes and envision the sort of person that is playing. I can hear whether the person is smiling inside or hurting. I can feel the student's instrument and music vibrating in the air, and I can tell whether the student is trying to communicate with me on some level or whether the student is playing "at me" or for their own inward purposes.

I know of several teachers who routinely assign special homework to their students during the week, which consists of character building exercises along the lines of doing things for others. The idea here is that if the students frequently perform acts of goodness or kindness, then the students will get into the habit of doing good or being kind. I think this is a great idea because it makes students and parents aware of the exercise. Hopefully, when one person sees another doing such good things, the person will admire the effort and will strive to imitate the gesture. The one act could exponentially grow to include many, many others.

What such an exercise will also do is help to purify and mature the heart and spirit of the person doing the exercise. We all know that "going through the motions" will not make a person good overall, but doing so will go a long way toward building such a person in the end. We have heard the adage "fake it until you make it," and this catch-phrase may say it all. We may have to go through the motions and build the character habit until we finally reach the point that the motions and the good strong character are instilled in us. I believe that good character is just another ability that we can develop by over learning.

What Drs. Covey and Suzuki are both telling us here is that good character is the foundation to good in everything else. For Dr. Covey, good character provides the structural framework for good attitude, good relationships, good communication, and good leadership. For Dr. Suzuki, good character will be reflected in a person's music, which is the performer's personal expression of inward emotion, attitude, and sense of beauty. Without good character, something is "off" about the person, and no amount of technique will change that. We will be dazzled by technique, but we will not be moved by it. We might admire someone for their technical skill, but we will not be persuaded to move mountains.

We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit. -- Aristotle*

This week, let us contemplate the words of both Dr. Covey and Dr. Suzuki and consider what habit of character we build through our repeated actions. Let us strive for excellence. More than that, let us make the effort to repeatedly do the right things that will strengthen our character. Let us reach out to the world and build connections that will uplift and encourage our society and world to grow beyond itself in a good way, in the right way.

Go forth and do good!

Happy Practicing!

----- Paula -----

© 2017 by Paula E. Bird

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*Although this quote is attributed to Aristotle, it may actually come from Will Durant and his work "The Story of Philosophy," in which Durant summed up Aristotle's thoughts.

Monday Morning Check In: Do It With Class

Written by Paula E. Bird ©2013

In my younger days, I once witnessed a business systematically purging or downsizing its employee work force. This was not the giant action we typically hear about, such as when a giant company lets go thousands of employees. It was a smaller effort, such as letting one employee go each year when the employee reached a certain shelf life (when it would be time for the company to promote the employee to another level). Rather than promote the employee on the merits, this particular business opted to saddle the employee with conditional employment, almost like a quest or challenge for the employee to retain his or her position. Most of the employees were rightfully hurt and opted to leave the firm.

As I witnessed this, I observed how the targeted employees responded to the situation. Most of the employees were hurt because they felt that their work product and historical loyalty to the firm warranted different treatment. The business demanded much of our free time. Many of us put in 60-80 or more hours per week on company business. The business made frequent travel assignments that took us away from our homes and families. Most of the employees left after angry outbursts and retaliatory remarks. I saw relationships destroyed by thoughtless outbursts and accusations. The work atmosphere for the other remaining employees was a little tense and unsettled, as we waited for the dust to settle.

Then one day, it was my turn. At the time, I was listening to a series of audiotapes in my car about how to improve business attitudes and build up business relationships in negotiation situations. One piece of advice I heard on those audiotapes was that when faced with choices about how to handle potentially negative situations, to choose to "do it with class." When my turn came to handle the situation, this phrase ran through my head: "do it with class." How does one do it with class? Here is the way that I chose.

Instead of responding to the news with anger and hurt, I opted to spend a bit more time writing a really lengthy resignation memo in which I thanked every single supervisor and manager. I addressed my gratitude to each person, with specific comments that pertained only to each individual. I listed the lessons that I had learned from each person, and I wrote of all the things about my working relationship with each person that I would miss. I tried to be as classy as I could while I carefully severed my long term relationship with the business and the people who ran it. This lengthy memo was a public declaration, because each manager and supervisor read it and learned about the gracious things that I said about others.

The results for me were quite different that the results than I had observed with those other employees who were angry and said so. Each manager and supervisor came around to speak with me, and we had wonderful closing sessions between us. Everything remained friendly and pleasant. The best part is that the business sent me quite a bit of contract work for a few months afterwards, which really helped me to stay on my feet as I looked to begin a new chapter in my life.

This all happened another lifetime ago it seems, but the advice still remains valid. Whatever you do, do it with class. If you sever a relationship, make a complaint, offer a dissenting opinion, or champion a new idea, do it with class.

What does doing it with class look like? Sometimes it is easier to define something by looking at what it is not.

Doing it with class is NOT:

• using your personal power, influence, or fan base to attack someone else on a personal level
• denigrating or slamming someone with hyperbole or unfair, out-of-context statements about what someone has said or written
• threatening to bring legal action for baseless claims
• claiming conspiracies and secret, unprovable actions
• bullying others into sharing the same opinions or beliefs by causing others to fear that they will be subjected to the same thoughtless treatment
• being defensive when others subscribe to different ideas or methods
• saying or presenting things about others in a way that would intentionally cause embarrassment and discomfort

Doing it with class IS:

• expressing opinions without tearing someone else down in the process.
• letting the truth stand on its own merits without having to "help" it along
• allowing others the freedom to suggest other ideas or possibilities
• graciously allowing others to share the floor when it comes to free discussion of ideas
• kindly listening to what others have to say

I think that all of us recognize when someone is doing it with class, just as we understand when someone is behaving like a school yard bully. Bullying is nothing more than trying to gain power over someone else through meritless means. Power, real meaningful power that would be recognized as true influence and leadership, is earned when someone does it with class rather than abuse. Let us insist that others treat us with the respect that we deserve as individuals. Let us insist that we all behave in a way that shows we know how to "do it with class."

On a personal note, this past weekend was a special time for us. My stepson Jon graduated medical school. We are all proud of his accomplishments! We look forward to the next chapter in Jon's life.

Dr. Jon!

Monday Morning Check In: Always Have an Answer

Written by Paula E. Bird ©2013

I find it important as a teacher to do more than educate my students about how to play a musical instrument. I also want to educate my students' parents about how to be better parents and home teachers to my students. My students and their parents will then become ambassadors of my teaching philosophy to the community. As we are all role models, we will hopefully influence others to espouse the same philosophy about the importance of music and music lessons on the road to growing a fine heart and developing talent and ability, which is the embodiment of Dr Suzuki's vision.

This scenario needs more time and attention. We should carefully consider our beliefs and attitudes in order to develop a system of statements and explanations about what we do and why. We want to spread the word about the importance of what we do and encourage others to join in our adventure.

Dr. Suzuki has written several statements that embody his philosophy about Talent Education. These statements include:

• Talent is not inborn.
• All children have talent.
• Man is the son of his environment.
• The environment determines the person.
• The fate of a child is in the hands of his parents.

What statements would you make to reflect your philosophy and beliefs? You may adapt or borrow someone else's statements, philosophy, and beliefs as your own, as I did with those statements that Dr. Suzuki made. You may also have other beliefs that reflect who you are and what you stand for. Perhaps you have not systematically thought through this subject area. I recall one terrific visiting university professor -- an excellent teacher -- and his encouragement that we students spend the time to develop our own "Bill of Rights." This teacher's name was Dean J. Spader (University of South Dakota), and he encouraged us to consider the principles and beliefs that we stood for and to write out statements that reflected the importance of our beliefs. In this way we would have statements of principle that would shape and guide our life's direction and would provide a framework to influence others in a positive way.

Here are a few questions to get you started as you think about what you stand for:

What is your purpose in life? What do you want to accomplish? If you have trouble with this one, think about what people might say about you in a eulogy. What do you want people to remember about you and your life?

What attitudes are important to you? Make a list and reflect on why these attitudes are an important part of your makeup.

What beliefs do you stand for? Write out some statements that reflect your beliefs so that you can readily share your philosophy with anyone who asks.

I regularly write and think about my beliefs and philosophy about teaching and life in general. I am always ready to explain the Suzuki philosophy of Talent Education to anyone who asks or whenever an opportunity arises to talk about it. That is because a long time ago, I wrote out an essay for myself about the Suzuki Method. Teachers who regularly attend Suzuki Teacher Training will have probably gone through a similar exercise. Over the years I have also written many letters, emails, and articles about the Suzuki philosophy. These tasks exercised my thinking about what I do and why. Because I spent time thinking and writing about my personal philosophy, I now have a series of philosophical statements that I can share with others at a moment's notice or whenever asked by someone about what I do. I have even written a lengthy letter to potential new parents. This letter shares my philosophy about teaching and music education and is part of my initial contact with a parent of a potential new student.

Take some time this week to consider your beliefs, attitudes, and purpose. How would you explain these things to others? Be prepared to tell others why it is that you do what you do.

Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. 1 Peter 3:15 (NIV).