Monday Morning Check In: The Right Attitude

Written by Paula E. Bird ©2013

This has been a tough week for a lot of people. Many of my friends have related stories to me of interpersonal conflicts they had with co-workers which took the life right out of my friends. My friends felt as if they had been battered and hammered down until they were bruised and two inches shorter. My friends were subjected to undeserved angry outbursts, rude behavior, and unpleasant and sarcastic remarks. How does one handle such episodes? How does one react to another person who is behaving badly and apparently does not have the wherewithal to exercise appropriate self control in a social or work situation? In other words, what do you do when a rude person comes at you with an angry outburst, nasty remarks, and unsocial behavior?

Unfortunately, we do what any self-respecting person does when faced with this unpleasantness. We do nothing. We are usually surprised, even stunned to be subjected to such unpleasantness. Our first instinct is to respond in kind, but if we are really good, we will hold ourselves in check and take the heat instead. We will absorb the toxic poison being spewed on us and we will sit with it for hours, maybe even days afterwards trying to make sense of it. If we are good people, we will ponder what happened and seek to understand what we did to cause the other person's behavior. Surely I did something that sparked the outburst, we think. I need to figure out what I did wrong, we think. Then we look for the life lesson that we can take away with us.

I am truly annoyed to hear stories like this, and the stories are numerous. These types of encounters happen far too frequently today, sometimes among complete strangers (e.g., customer and store clerk), but most often between people who know each other, such as family members and co-workers. None of these situations are appropriate. No one should be subjected to that kind of treatment, no matter what the reason. No one.

I wish that we could return to a place and time, if there ever were such a period in history, when people addressed each other with formal names, even husbands and wives. There were observed social customs that discouraged gossip, shameless outbursts of anger, bold effrontery, or inappropriate public displays. Whether people felt angry or unkind, there were social rules that prevented people from behaving badly towards each other.

I do not know if we will ever return to such a civilized place, and I suspect that such a place never existed except in historical fiction and Jane Austin's books. Still, I would urge us to make the effort. If a few of us adopt the right attitudes, perhaps our influence will spread and encourage others to join our cause.

What is the right attitude? Here are a few ideas. Perhaps you can comment with some of your favorite attitudes. Here are some of my suggestions, including character qualities and positive actions that would spur a positive or right-minded attitude:

• Be kind
• Be gracious
• Forgive others
• Exert self-control
• Feel compassion
• Show courtesy
• Express happiness, joy, and optimism
• Feel hopeful
• Expect and look for the best
• Do your best always
• Express altruism
• Set goals for tomorrow
• Follow an action plan for the future
• Look for options
• Stretch yourself
• Do something you fear
• Reach out of your comfort zone
• Revere peace of mind
• Start with calmness and stillness
• Focus on success
• Be determined
• Exude energy
• Build trust
• Respond pleasantly to others
• Go the extra mile
• Assure and affirm others
• Shower complements
• Lift up good humor
• Keep promises
• Foster an open mind
• Give love freely

This week, observe yourself. Observe your thoughts and your behaviors. Are you someone who spreads a positive attitude or are you one of those people who ruined my friends' days last week? What can you do this week to develop a more focused and life-giving attitude toward others? Make a choice to do one thing this week that will help to strengthen someone else. Share the right attitude. Help the world to be a more pleasant place to live and work.

Change the world -- one child, one student at a time.

12th Monday: Today is the 12th Monday of 2013, so remove your 12th penny. One fourth of the year 2013 has passed. Where are you headed the rest of this year?

Monday Morning Check In: Are You a C, W, or E?

We have been discussing character traits in teachers the past few weeks. Last week's discussion focused on anger, the after shocks of expressing it, and how we might eliminate anger from our make up. Today, I want to focus on three other character traits.

I ask my incoming or new university students to identify whether they are a C, a W, or an E. Most people can relate to one of these three character traits. Occasionally I will run into someone who claims all three. These traits are: Complaining, Whining, or Excuse Making.

C - Complaining

I think complaining is the second most common character trait after the trait of anger. There may be several reasons why someone complains. We might complain because we have a sense of superiority and a desire to show that we are better than another or know more about how things should be done. We might complain to express dissatisfaction, resentment, or annoyance. We might complain because we have a legitimate grievance. We might be venting a little to get things "off our chest."

Have you noticed that people generally do not complain to anyone who has the power to change the problem the person is complaining about? I find this absolutely fascinating, which leads me to think that the need to express our superiority or to vent are the reasons why we complain. Whatever our reasons for doing so, let me suggest that others do not enjoy listening to complaints. If you pay close attention, you will notice how folks begin to edge away from the complaining person inch by inch.

It does not really matter why or how we got to the state of being a complainer, it just matters that we work to eliminate this unpleasant character trait. I offer two suggestions:

• Make your complaints to the person who has the power to address the complaints. If you are uncomfortable taking this step, then you might as well just give up the complaint entirely. "If you have the time to whine and complain about something then you have the time to do something about it." -- Anthony J. D'Angelo.

• Develop an attitude of gratitude. It is difficult to complain about something when you are steering your focus in another direction. Look at things with an eye toward expressing appreciation and thankfulness. Find opportunities to offer encouragement and gratitude to others for their contributions or efforts. By looking for ways to bolster and support others, you will be turning your thoughts away from yourself and your need to wallow in unpleasantness and focusing instead on someone other than yourself. You will be involved in making the world a better place rather than expressing ways of tearing the world down.

What should you do when someone complains to you? I find that the easiest solution is to edge away by inches yourself and then be careful about associating with that person in the future. I do not spend time arguing with a complainer or offering a more positive perspective. I find that when I try to do so, I just encourage the complainer to entrench more deeply in their complaining position. I save my breath, my energy, and my optimism by smiling, finding a graceful way to excuse myself from the complaining conversation, and seeking to follow a more productive pursuit. I find it helpful to plan in advance and have a list of possible activities to offer as a reasonable escape, such as a visit to the restroom, returning a phone call, or getting to an appointment on time.

"Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving." -- Dale Carnegie (American lecturer and author, 1888-1955)

W - Whining

Most of us have experienced whining from the receiving end. For those of you who have not, imagine putting a car into neutral gear and then stepping on the gas pedal. The sustained high pitch noise you would hear is what whining sounds like to those of us who have to hear it from a child or another person. Parents can relate to feelings of exasperation and annoyance that come from hearing a whining child.

What is whining anyway? As my car example shows, whining is a lot of unproductive noise. The engine whines but the car does not move. People whine and make noise but do not necessarily do anything. However, whining may annoy others to the point that THEY do something. Remember the old adage about the squeaky wheel getting the grease?

Our society today seems not to frown on whining as much as I think should be the case. To me, whining is a form of rebellion. The whining child or adult is actually saying "No!" Whenever I hear whining, I remind myself that if words were to replace the whining, how I would respond? My answer is that I would usually respond quickly to address the rebellion problem. I believe that parents and teachers or others with authority over the child should not permit a child to respond in a rebellious way to instructions or directions, just as I believe that we should not respond inappropriately to each other as adults. [Remind me to tell you sometime about my name tag theory].

I understand that there are folks who believe that children do not have the cognitive reasoning to actually design their whining and other behavior traits to accomplish such negative purposes. However, I remember one young student of about 6 or 7 years old who was using a whiny voice about something. I looked her in the eye and said, "You're using your whiny voice. Do you find that works for you?" I was being sarcastic, of course, but the child's answer was, "It doesn't work on my mom, but it sure works great on my dad!" The mother's look at her child's comment was very entertaining!



One parent told her child that the parent had something wrong with her ears, and when her child spoke in a "baby voice" (whiny voice), the parent could not hear what the child said. Another parent blended a special "whine medicine," which consisted of several nasty tastes all mixed together (e.g., ketchup, grapefruit juice, Tabasco drops). An older child in the family helped by "confiding" in the younger child how awful tasting the whine medicine was. When the parent said they would have to get the whine medicine to cure the child's whine, the older child would quickly chime in, "Yuck! You don't want to take the whine medicine!"

A child may whine because whining puts the child in charge of the parents and because whining produces results from the child's point of view. If you have ever given a child what the child whined about, then you have reinforced the child's understanding that whining produces results. Dr. Kevin Leman says that you should never, ever, pay off whining with any kind of reward or benefit. Never, ever.

Dr. Leman states that a child's behavior problems generally relate to the child's need for one of two things: the parent's attention and to get what the child wants. If you ignore the whining and never, ever, reward it, then you will have removed both of the child's purposes. The child will need to look for another way to get what he or she wants, and the child can be guided to do so in a more appropriate and acceptable way. In my household and studio, whining will net the immediate response of "no." Whatever it is that is being whined about will not happen. I guarantee it. That is my "punishment" for having to suffer through the whining. This may sound harsh to some, but I will tell you that whining does not happen in my studio. Ever.  At least it does not happen to me. It may happen to a parent, but we work on that as part of the teaching and learning process. Remember, I teach the parents as much as I teach the student. Teaching the Suzuki Method is more than just teaching music.

What if you are the whiner? Is it possible for an adult to whine? Of course it is. Remember, whining is a way that many folks have learned to use in order to get something. Unfortunately, the kind of attention whining generates is negative, and whining is not a very mature (or attractive) behavior. Whining is certainly not a seemly behavior in an adult.

If you are a whiner, pay attention to how much noise you make with talk that is unproductive. Focus on what it is you want or need and learn how to ask for it in a mature way. If it is your child who whines, then teach the child how to ask for things appropriately. Do not reward any inappropriate behavior. Nip this obnoxious whining habit right away at every opportunity. Learn to say "please, may I?" and to accept the word "no." Teach your child to do the same.

"While others may argue about whether the world ends with a bang or a whimper, I just want to make sure mine doesn't end with a whine." -- Barbara Gordon

E - Excuse Maker

If you are an excuse maker, then you have the habit of making excuses to avoid blame or being held responsible for some act or other. I find this to be a disturbing character trait, because a person who makes excuses as a way of life is also someone who avoids taking personal responsibility for their actions and who tends to blame others for the personal failings of the excuse maker.

"Ninety-nine percent of the failures come from people who have the habit of making excuses." -- George Washington

This is a tricky character trait, because we have all done this at some point or another. One way to really learn something about yourself is to avoid making excuses and to say instead, "I'm sorry." The expression of these simple words rather than some lengthy excuse or other will reveal so much more depth to our thinking and way of living.

The next time you are late somewhere, do not be so quick to excuse yourself. Start out with "I'm sorry," and then see where that leads you. Instead of saying, "I had a flat tire," or "traffic was terrible," apologize first and then give the REAL reason why you are late, e.g., "I did not leave enough time for travel holdups."

The new habit of not making excuses will also reveal something else of yourself that you might have been hiding from your view. I recall a colleague of mine once telling me that he made a commitment to stop making excuses. Later when he was asked whether he had given a recital during the previous year, he began his explanation with an excuse to explain why he had failed to give a recital. He stopped himself and found that by not allowing himself to give an excuse, he felt compelled instead to look inward and deal with the true reason why he had not given a recital.

"It is wise to direct your anger towards problems -- not people; to focus your energies on answers -- not excuses." -- William Arthur Ward

To summarize: complaining, whining, and making excuses are not attractive or productive character traits in a teacher or anyone else. To build a new habit to avoid these behaviors will take practice. Look for ways to recognize and express gratitude and appreciation. If you make complaints, make sure you make them to someone who has the power to do something about the complaints. Make sure you know how to express yourself appropriately and maturely when you ask for something that you want or when you are told "no." Lastly, make sure you forego excuse making. Instead, begin with an apology ("I'm sorry") and follow that with the real reason behind your actions.

Let me know which of these three character traits you identify with and some of your experiences. Personally, I struggle with the C issue. I work fervently to find ways to be positive, thankful, and gracious. I look for ways to weed out any issues of pride or arrogance. I am not a whiner, so that issue was a nonstarter. I did consider excuse making, but I found it easy to start with "I'm sorry" and acknowledge my actual reasons. I focus most of my attention on the complaining issue.

What about you? What do you struggle with? How do you handle these issues?

Monday Morning Check In: And the Winner Is Anger

Today’s topic is my favorite character trait. I say “favorite” because I seem to spend so much time thinking about it, and does it not mean “favorite” if we think more about something to the exclusion of other things? Well, anyway, my topic today is about anger.

In my opinion, anger is a fairly common character trait, if not the most common. Anger is also the most destructive and negative, not only because it can hurt the individual who is angry and unthinkingly expresses it, but also because anger hurts other people at the same time. Many people do go about in the world pretending that their anger causes no destruction, but for those of us who have been on the receiving end of this emotion, we know better about the destruction and hurt that ill-expressed anger can cause. Let us look a little closer at what anger is and can do and then discuss ways to eliminate anger or its destructive expression from our makeup, our behavior, and our personality.

Anger is a strong emotion that expresses hostility, annoyance, or displeasure about something or someone. I find it interesting to learn that the word stems from the Old Norse meaning grief and is related to the Old German word angst, which referred to fear. Nowadays we are all pretty clear about the meaning of the word. Like a bull provoked by a red flag, we “see red” and snort and charge. Anger is never gentle; we have a “burst” of anger when we are outraged.

We all experience anger about various frustrations in life. Anger is a natural emotion, but when we allow our anger to consume, destroy, or cause harm to others or ourselves, then anger becomes dangerous. I believe that it is important to understand where our anger comes from and what causes it, as well as to know what methods we can use to manage it or perhaps eventually eliminate it.

I have been known to be very thrifty (i.e., “cheap”). Once upon a time, I had an old upright vacuum cleaner for well over 20 years that I had bought used in the first place. The vacuum showed signs of its advanced age, but I kept replacing worn belts and other broken pieces. As time went on, the vacuum kept melting the belts, and the melted rubber smelled terrible and would get stuck all over my light beige carpet. One day I reached my limit. I picked up the vacuum and hurled it about 20 feet into the next room and called it a very satisfying name (probably “piece of junk”). Then I shouted, “why am I so cheap I can’t even buy a decent vacuum cleaner?” You should have been there. It was hilarious, even to me, but I was furious!

In a phone conversation later with my mother, I told her the story about what had happened. Her response was, “Don’t you remember the time your father threw the vacuum cleaner out into the middle of the street? I was horrified that your neighbors heard what he called it let alone saw him do that!” And that’s when my mental light bulb went off.

No, I had not remembered my father doing that until my mother reminded me. At that moment, I started to remember a lot of other times when my father was pretty upset at something and the entire neighborhood heard about it. Now, in all fairness to my dad, he is a terrific man. He just gets very angry and frustrated at inanimate objects when they don’t do what they are supposed to do. I hate to use the word “inherit” in this discussion, but there have been many times since my vacuum epiphany when I caught myself getting very angry at a “thing” that was not working as it should be and was holding me up on completing a task or getting out the door in time. I think I have “inherited” my father’s same behavior.

This particular manifestation of angry behavior really doesn’t hurt anyone else per se, but let me point out that the negative expression of anger vocally and with taut body language and physical expression really does poison the atmosphere around us and causes others to feel quite uncomfortable, and rightly so. Think of anger as a red, poisonous gas. When we express our anger, even by allowing ourselves to give in to the experience of it, we are basically allowing the poisonous gas to leak out and affect others and the atmosphere they breathe. It is one thing to allow your anger to affect another adult, but just think how anger can hurt your child or another living creature that depends on you and has no power to walk away from you or the situation.

I propose that we take the time to get a handle on this destructive emotion and find ways to eliminate it or minimize it down to something that is not even noticed or experienced by others. Here are my suggestions.

Find the Sources: Think back to the sources of your anger or behavior. For me, it was my father’s role modeling in this area. Of course, it was my own fault that I chose to mimic this behavior as well as I did. What are your past role models for this behavior?

Uncover Your Triggers: What are your triggers? This is going to take some time to discover. Pay attention to the things that set you off and make a list of them. For me it is anything that wastes my time, or inanimate objects (like printers and vacuum cleaners) that do not work correctly, or disrespect (I do not like being interrupted or patronized).

Break the State: Note what you body does during your anger, and then break that physical state. If you are tight in your shoulders or neck, then force your muscles to relax. Find a quick yoga pose or other physical stretch that will help you to eliminate this tension. If you find yourself holding your breath, then start breathing. There is a reason for the old adage: Count to 10. We cannot count to 10 without breathing somewhere in there, and the breathing will help you to relax and break the state.

Substitute a new Behavior: Plan in advance to substitute more acceptable reactions to your anger triggers when the need arises. I have already suggested a yoga pose or breathing exercise. If your kids constantly make you angry in a particular situation, figure out in advance how you will handle this situation in a different way the next time. Come up with several ideas. Ask your friends, neighbors, or relatives for suggestions. We have all been in the same place, and we are willing to share what we have learned. Instead of constantly yelling at my six pack of doxies to "come" back into the house, I started using the clicker and giving a small treat as they came in the door. Now I just click and they instantly run to the door. I am no longer angry at them for not obeying me because I have found a way to change their behavior by changing mine.

Keep a Record: Keep a record of your anger and efforts to work through it. Keep a journal. It is back to school time, and composition books are on sale. Get one and start keeping an anger log or chart. Make these kinds of notes:

• When you got angry
• Who or what caused it
• Why you were angry
• Where you were at the time
• How you handled it
• What you could do the next time instead

Record your reasons or motivation for taming the anger problem, whether it is the benefit to your children or your spouse, or the goodwill towards to your neighbors or co-workers. I believe I read in Dr. Suzuki’s “Ability Development from Age Zero” that he kept an anger chart of the number of times he got angry in a day. Eventually he was able to whittle down the number of angry times to zero. You could keep an anger chart and log on the chart each time you were angry during the day. Just the act of writing this down might cause you to stop in your tracks and try something different.

Widen Your Response Time: We are more than creatures that just react to things without thought. We are able to choose our reactions to things. Dr. Stephen Covey of the 7 Habits fame writes that within a stimulus and response there is a period of time in which we can choose our response. Granted, in the beginning our window of time might be quite small. Our goal then would be to widen this period of time so that it allows us the necessary time to thoughtfully respond.

Consider Other Options: Here are some other suggestions, and note that these suggestions will apply to just about any negative emotion we might experience or deal with. By following some of the following suggestions, we may find that we experience negative emotions less.

• Cultivate good health habits:
• Get enough sleep
• Eat healthy food
• Exercise regularly
• Eliminate unhealthy habits
• Schedule regular down time
• Reflect regularly about things in your life; keep a journal
• Avoid stress by being appropriately prepared for your life's activities
• Anticipate the next day's meals, clothes, belongings, and set them out in advance of the time they are needed
• Be prepared with lesson plans or errands
• Stay in good practice so that you are ready for opportunities
• Keep a calendar and maintain it regularly
• Schedule free time for yourself
• Take a bubble bath or go for a long walk
• Find an accountability buddy with whom you can check in regularly and offer suggestions

Anger is a common emotion but can leave a lot of destruction in its wake if allowed to be “out of control.” Learn how to control it, how to express it, and in what way you can experience it without its being destructive to others.

Anger is not a good example of leadership, which always requires calm and assertive energy and expression, and therefore is not the best quality in a teacher or parent. Learn how to control it in an appropriate manner. Try the ideas above and make a commitment to re-experience the joy of life that comes from the freedom of anger.