Monday Morning Check In: Practice the Little Things

We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.

-- Aristotle

At the beginning of Suzuki Violin Volume 2, there is a lovely essay with quotes from Dr. Suzuki about how the violin reveals the heart. I have found this thought confirmed again and again over the years that I have been teaching.

I recall the time when a beloved university student died tragically and unexpectedly of natural causes. The entire music department was devastated. This student had touched so many areas of the school of music: he won the aria competition as a singer, he won the concerto competition as a double bass player, and he also played viola in the school’s most prominent string quartet ensemble, which was made up of students from every string area studio. I remember how sad everyone was that semester. My student from the quartet played with an entirely different sound that semester. Her heart was sad and hurting, and I could hear that in the way she made music with her violin. Over time I could hear how the student was healing, as her music brightened and became more vibrant with life energy. I never forgot though my experience of listening to and hearing the sadness of this student’s heart in the time after the young man’s death.

When I close my eyes and listen to the sound a student or fellow musician makes, I fancy that I also can hear the message of the other person’s heart. That also means that others can hear the song that my heart plays. I want my music to uplift and encourage others, to act as a healing balm for troubled hearts, and to provide pleasure and enjoyment for my listeners. Therefore, I believe that I must practice small things that will steer my focus in the direction of giving to others.

Toward this end, I strive to make a habit of practicing the little things that will build good character in the long run. I look for small acts that I can perform that will work toward the good of others. I encourage my students to join me in this practice as well. In doing so, we are working to build a nicer place for everyone, including ourselves. One could think of this principle as similar to the boy scouts' aspiration to do a good deed every day. For me it is the principle of practicing the habit of excellence of character and of becoming a fine human being.

Here are some possible things that one could do to affect others in a positive way:

• Pick up trash, whether it is in the school hallway, on the sidewalk, or in the restroom.
• Wipe dry a bathroom counter in a public restroom.
• Pick up trash along the road in your neighborhood.
• Find a replacement roll of toilet paper or paper towels before the item runs out and place it within convenient reach of the next person who might need it.
• Take someone else’s shopping cart back for them. Better yet, use their cart for yourself and then return it to the cart corral. Maybe take a second cart back at the same time.
• Pick up something that someone else has dropped.
• Write an email or send a card to someone you want to thank or show appreciation to.
• Offer to shop for someone who needs help, such as someone who is ill or who is elderly.
• Phone a friend or write a letter to someone who you know would appreciate the gesture.
• Hold the door open for someone to pass through.
• Offer to carry things for someone else.
• Bus your own table after eating. Bus someone else’s table.
• Smile at someone who looks like they could use a hug.
• Always say “thank you” and “please” to others.
• Accept praise and thanks in a gracious and humble way.
• Compliment the other person two-fold.
• Listen to someone else talk. Better yet, initiate the conversation by asking the other person to talk first and then listening.
• Ask how someone else is, and really listen to the answer.
• Ask at least one person about his or her family every day or some other personal interest.
• Hug someone who is having trouble finding his or her own smile.
• Pat someone on the shoulder.
• Ask someone to share his or her opinion.
• Buy a small, unexpected gift or a humorous card for a friend.
• Share a meal with a friend.
• Look into someone’s eyes. One can really discover much about what is going on in a person’s life by gazing into his or her eyes. 

It really is not that difficult to find something to do for someone else. I try and make it a point to look for at least one thing to do for someone else every day. I find that just the habit of looking for something soon yields me something that I can do. Looking keeps me in that frame of mind where I see things that need to be done.

What are some kinds of things that you can think of to do that would follow this principle? Please share your thoughts and suggestions in the comments below.

Enjoy your week and consider making excellence of character -- the Practice of Little Things -- a habit that you will practice this week.

Smiling Your Way Through Violin Practice (or How Not to Quit)

Someone asked me how to practice with her child and feel like smiling at the same time. Let me describe how I would do this if I were a parent.

If the child were very young, I would sit with her on my lap and hold her. I would give generous hugs. I would turn my voice into a soft blanket and let my love warm our connection. Here is how the conversation might go:

“Mommy loves you very much,” I would say with a smile. “Do you know how much? Let me tell you.”

I would smile and look in their eyes with as much love as I could muster.

“What do I do when you are hungry?”

You feed me.

“That’s right. I make sure that your tummy is full of food.”

I would touch or pat the stomach area.

“What do I do when you are thirsty?”

You give me something to drink.

“That’s right. I give you something to drink.”

I would touch my fingers to the child’s lips and maybe give them a little kiss.

“Why do you think I send you to school?”

You want me to learn things.

“That’s right. I want to fill up your mind with things that are important to learn and know. I am feeding your mind.”

I would touch the child’s forehead.

“Do you know why we practice the violin together and go to music classes and lessons? 

Here I would touch the area above the child’s heart and smile deeply at the child.

“We learn the violin together because we are feeding our hearts and spirits. We are filling up our hearts with beautiful music.”

Now the real lesson begins.

“If you are hungry, would I stop feeding you? Of course not! I am a good mom and I would make sure that you were not hungry.”

Hugs and smiles again.

“If you are thirsty, would I stop giving you a drink? Of course not! I would always give you a drink because I love you very much.”

I would offer more hugs, smiles, and hair stroking.

“If you wanted to stay home from school every day, would I let you? No, of course not! I want your mind to be full and not empty.”

And the big question comes next.

“If you did not want to practice the violin or go to violin classes and lessons, would I let you stay home?”

I would wait for the child to answer this question, because the child knows that the parent loves him or her.

No, you would not let me stop practicing or going to violin class.

“That’s right. I want to fill your heart with beautiful music. I want you to share in the wonderful gift that music will bring to your heart and spirit.”

“I want this gift for you because I love you very much. Are you ready to practice together now?” And I would smile as big as I could.

Imagine how wonderful our practices together would be if we focused on the beautiful gift we gave each other rather than on the work!

I am puzzled to hear that students want to quit playing or studying a musical instrument. I wonder how that situation came to be. If the parent were to accede to the child’s complaints and desires to stop instruction, I can only wonder how the parent would think that listening to a young child is the answer. After all, is that not why there are parents in the world? Who would think that a 4 or 7 or even a 13 year old would have enough life experience to understand what the benefits of music education are? I might listen to the argument that a child made and discuss it, but as an adult, I think it is my responsibility to make decisions based on my adult education and experience and not that of a child.

Yes, I know, sometimes it is hard to persevere when the child is frequently grousing about practice or going to lessons (or doing homework or taking out the garbage or going to school or not seeing enough of their friends or boyfriends). That is why there are parents in the world, because we have had the time and life experience to weather these storms of complaint and melodrama. These moments of frustration and dissension may be golden opportunities to offer the lesson of perseverance and discipline, which will eventually lead to the ultimate prize of high self-esteem that comes from achievement, fulfillment, and diligence.

One parent told me that she handled the situation by labeling the family in a way that discouraged the child from wanting to quit. “You are a Smith [fictitious name]. The Smith family does not raise quitters. We don’t even understand what it means to quit.” And then she walked away. She said that the child never brought up the subject again.

My personal story shares some elements with the Smith family. I began learning the piano when I was three years old; my mother, a primary school teacher and singer/pianist, was my first instructor. My mother and I had some difficulties working together, although her motivation was good. She did the best that she knew how, and we did not have parent education/Suzuki training courses in those days. Our practices together evaporated, and I was left to play by myself.

My father also played piano; he is a most excellent jazz pianist! My sister and I were treated to my father’s wonderful jazz music every single day that we lived at home. We fell asleep to his practicing, and we learned a lot about jazz musicians of the time and various styles. It was a real treat to put in our special requests for songs on our way to bed and then to fall asleep waiting to hear our father entertain us with our favorites.

Inevitably I wanted to be just like dad. When I was 5, I asked to take piano lessons again. This time my mom had a serious talk with me. If I really wanted to take lessons, I would have to think long and hard about what that meant. If I were to take lessons, I would have to continue taking them until I graduated high school or no longer lived at home. If I were to take lessons, I could not quit. Period. That was the end of the discussion. My mother left me with that and told me to think about it and make sure that I could live up to my decision when I made it.

I did think about it. I know I was only five years old, but I was a fairly smart cookie even then. I vividly recall lying down under the baby grand piano and looking out the front window of our house as I thought about it. Did I really want to play the piano and take lessons for that length of time [yes, I was smart enough to figure out on my fingers how many years it would be until I graduated high school]? Could I live with that decision for such a long time? (13 years is a very long time for a 5 year old to consider). I made the positive decision, and my mom got me started with lessons with a lovely teacher. I studied with her for seven or eight years before moving to another town and starting with another teacher.

Did I continue playing piano until I graduated high school or left home? Yes, I played all the way through college, and I continue to play and perform as a pianist and accompanist to this day, even though my primary profession is as a violinist. I have played piano for the San Antonio and Austin Symphonies. I have accompanied university musicals. I have accompanied many, many students of various instruments, as well as professional musicians in recitals. In fact, just the other day, I was accompanying two of my husband’s trombone students at a regional school performance event, and I ran into two band director friends whose pianist had not shown up (there was some very bad weather that caused traffic snarls and closed roads). I stepped in at the last minute as an emergency accompanist for these students. I love playing piano professionally and for my own personal enjoyment.

When I was 7 years old, I ran away from home. I packed a suitcase, unloaded my money from my piggy bank, and marched off about 2 miles away from home to camp out in the little wilderness area behind our local grocery store. I planned to live on Muenster cheese and chocolate Life Savers. The funny part is that I left my parents a note telling them that I was running away but not to worry because I would be back on Wednesday for my piano lesson.

I guess my mother’s lesson about commitment really took hold. I am still practicing piano and violin.

Happy practicing!

Quick Parenting Tip: Smile

I am a big fan of the “Dog Whisperer,” Cesar Milan. I have read most of his books, watched many episodes of his television program, and participated in his online learning program. Let me tell you about one of Cesar’s useful training tips that I think parents should practice regularly with their children.

During the feeding ritual, before actually releasing the dog to eat his or her food, there is a moment when Cesar asks the human to gaze at the dog with a smile and expression of love. This smiling gaze lets the dog feel the human’s positive, warm energy. This is a bonding experience for the dog and the human, who is the dog’s pack leader. The gaze is momentary, but the ritual helps the dog to maintain a calm and relaxed attitude.

Imagine how powerful this ritual would be between a parent and child. What a lovely habit for a parent to develop! The benefits to both the child and parent would be immeasurable.

I understand how difficult it may be for parents to love their children 24 hours a day amid the daily problems and behavior issues. I have often witnessed a parent’s struggle to maintain calm, assertive leadership that would also allow the parent to express love, gentleness, patience, and kindness. Sadly, there are times when I wonder whether a parent likes his or her children because I witness the parent’s seemingly constant battering of sarcasm, impatience, and anger.

Children are important. Like my canine companions, children are dependent on adults for everything: food, shelter, and nurturing. Food and shelter provisions attend to children’s physical needs. Nurturing and a parent’s expressions of love apply to children’s spiritual and emotional needs. A parent’s love and attention to a child will fill up the child’s emotional tank with the most important thing the child will need to face the world with strength and to grow into a secure and stable adult.

 Please spend some time today thinking how you can develop the habit of looking at your child with love and a smile. From this simple habit will grow the larger habit of loving your child.