The Case for Perfection -- Taking it One Small Step at a Time

The Teach Suzuki Podcast recently broadcast an episode about small steps in order to develop the ability of mastery (click here to listen). I recalled writing a blog article in 2012 that addressed the issue of perfection. With a few updates, here is that article:

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A thought struck me today: it seems as if parents do not want their children to strive for perfection.

That seems a bit harsh, I told myself. Do you really want to take that extreme position?

I am not sure. The above statement is a result of the parental behaviors I observe in my studio.

My next thoughts were:

• What does perfection mean exactly?
• Is perfection a good thing to strive for after all?
• What reasons could parents subconsciously have for not helping their children to achieve perfection?
• Teachers want perfection in their students, right?
• Is there anything that we teachers can do to encourage our parents to want this same lofty goal?
• Is anything ever perfect?

Probably not, I concluded. Perfection may be an illusory goal. We may strive for perfection because we desire accolades, awards, success, or challenge. I think, however, that maybe the real reason that we desire perfection is that in doing so we become more than who we are.

A muscle needs challenge in order to become stronger. We must first tear down the muscle. When we exercise the muscle, we must challenge the muscle with our exercise. We cannot continue to work the muscle the same way or it will not grow. Muscles are made up of many tiny fibers. We must stress the muscle (micro trauma), and tiny little micro tears appear in the fibers. Over the next 48 hours, the muscle will repair the fiber tears more strongly than before. If we stress the muscle again, the process of rebuilding and strengthening will continue.

When we strive for perfection, the moment at which we attempt to measure whether we have achieved perfection is gone in a flash. We can only evaluate what has now become a memory or past event. If we were to set up another evaluation to measure whether we have achieved perfection anew, we would measure another past point in time. This is what I meant by perfection being an illusory goal. It does not remain static. It is by its very definition "just out of reach." Like a muscle, however, the striving for perfection will result in strength. Whenever we strive for something, we become stronger in the process of striving. Sounds circular, I know, like the chicken and the egg scenario. Think of the circle as a hamster wheel. The purpose of the wheel is to encourage exercise. Just get on the wheel already and let the exercise process begin.

What parental behaviors do I see that lead me to make the observation that parents do not seem to want their children to achieve perfection? Here is a short list of parental behaviors as they relate to the music studio:

• Parents may not practice consistently with their children. In many cases, I am unsure whether parents really understand the concept of practice and how it should be done. I spend a great deal of time teaching parents and students about healthy practice techniques. 

• Parents may not adequately supervise how the children perform and practice.

• Parents may not require perfection in practice or practice habits. The child is left to adopt unhealthy posture habits. Parents seem to routinely allow inadequate work to suffice.

• Parents may offer many possible excuses for not doing adequate work at home or for allowing the child to turn in less than stellar home practice work.

• Parents may allow their children to spend an inadequate amount of time to develop a skill or ability.

• Parents may not make many strong demands on their children to do work of any kind, to earn the right to relax and have fun, or to experience the logical consequences to the children's choices regarding behavior. Note that even parents do not make this strong demand on themselves, if you consider the list I just made.

The podcast episode discusses this issue in more depth as to why parents may not work towards perfection or mastery. Let me offer another possibility to the ones mentioned in the podcast episode. Striving for perfection requires work. This kind of work might require the parent to operate outside of an entrenched comfort zone. Parents may also be too busy or may want the parenting job to be easier.

Parenting is not easy. The parent's job never ends. The job continues even after the child has moved out of the home, become an adult, or married and started a family. My husband calls it the "job for life." Parenting is a lifelong commitment. Parenting is work. If a parent cares at all about the child, the parent will be willing to put in the time and effort to make sure the job is done and done correctly. The reward for a parent is a terrific child and developed skill and ability to the best that the child is capable.

Teachers want their students to strive for and achieve perfection, whatever perfection should look like at the moment. I believe that teachers choose this profession because of their innate desire to make the world a better place, even an "ideal" place, if you will. Teachers do the best they can under the circumstances. Teachers may teach the child a fraction of the time in a child's week, and yet, teachers will approach the teaching job with as much effort as possible. Teachers strive for perfection because this is how teachers can bring out the best possible result in children.

How can teachers encourage parents to share this vision of the value of striving for perfection? There may be several possible ways:

Role Modeling: As a teacher and performing professional musician, I model for my students and their parents what it looks like to strive for perfection. I am not perfect, but I do not lower my standards for myself. I continue to challenge myself with new repertoire and new performance opportunities. I perform regularly in solo performances, chamber music, and large ensembles. I continue to study new subjects and revisit old subjects with new perspective.

Standards: I set high standards for myself, my students, and my students' parents. I expect my students and their parents to do the best that they can. I am here to help at all times, but I do not permit my students or their parents to allow me to do the work for them in the studio which should rightfully be completed by my students and their parents in home practice sessions, although I am always accessible by phone, internet, or aural or video recordings.

Information: I provide a great deal of parenting and teaching information to my studio parents in the form of parent education, this blog and the years that I have written for it, the podcast episodes, and throughout the course of a student's musical study program with me. I spend a great deal of time sharing useful information about parenting as well as teaching on the blog and podcast.

Love: Finally, let me urge parents to love their children. When a parent loves his or her child, the parent will do what needs to be done to help the child. The parent will want what is best for the child, and the parent will seek out other people who can help the parent to achieve that lofty goal. I believe that perfection is a lofty goal and most definitely in the best interest of the child.

Let me close with one of my favorite Dr. Suzuki quotes: "Where love is deep, much can be accomplished."

Until next time,

Happy Practicing!

----- Paula -----

© 2017 by Paula E. Bird

Should Teachers and Parents Succumb to Perfectionism?

In my daily reflections, I have noticed a recurrent topic: perfectionism. Since this idea has come to me so many times this week, I have begun to abbreviate it with a P to save myself time writing. As I think about how this pernicious idea invades and taints my work and creativity, I have come up with some thoughts to share.

Perfectionism is most likely part of all of us. We all have a history somewhere, somehow of how we have disappointed someone or not lived up to someone else’s expectations: a parent, spouse, friend, mentor, or a teacher. Our history influences our present picture of ourselves and our work and creative product. The real issue though may boil down to how much we decide to allow our history to influence our work today as teachers, students, and parents. Is perfectionism a bad thing? Do we need some of it in our lives?

Perfectionism is the refusal to allow anything short of perfection. That statement alone should alert us that something is quite wrong with perfectionism. Does anyone know of anything that is perfect? Of course we have all experienced the perfect moment, such as a sunrise, a flower, a child’s laugh. To have that perfect moment not repeat itself consistently though is to admit that “perfect” is unattainable. To be devotees of perfectionism means that we refuse to accept something if it is not perfect, which in my view means that we cannot accept something if it cannot be repeated or sustained indefinitely. We know that my view is not realistic.

So how does this affect us as teachers, students, or parents?

“Perfectionism is a refusal to let yourself move ahead. It is a loop – an obsession, debilitating closed system that causes you to get stuck in the details of what you are [creating] and to lose sight of the whole. Instead of creating freely and allowing errors to reveal themselves later as insights, we often get mired in getting the details right. We correct our originality into a uniformity that lacks passion and spontaneity. ‘Do not fear mistakes,’ Miles Davis told us. ‘There are none.’” – Julia Cameron, The Artist’s Way Every Day, May 2.

So here is an oppositional list, which is one of my favorite ways to approach a subject. I list traits or characteristics on the left side; this is a list of the things that I will want to eliminate. Then I look at my left list and begin transmuting each thought or item into a positive on the right side. These transformed thoughts will possibly become my newest mantra or affirmation.

Perfectionism
Eyes of fear	Eyes of courage
Unrealistic expectations	Deal with reality and what is
Unrealistic views of ourselves	Let our weaknesses go
Unrealistic views of our past	Let the past go
Staying stuck	Moving ahead
Obsessing	Being flexible
Focus on details	Focus on big picture, sweeping grand ideas
Paralyzed, constricted	Free, moving, flowing
Uniformity	Originality
Flat	Passionate, spontaneous
Mistakes	Insight

As we prepare for our upcoming studio spring recital, we practice performing for each other in group classes. After each child performs, we ask the other students to offer positive comments about the performance, and the performer then learns to say thank you. This is another ability or skill that students must learn. Later at a more advanced level, I will teach the performing students to do some helpful analysis before opening up to comments from others, such as: "What worked for me during the performance?" and "What will I do differently next time?"

What I noticed in the group class is that one of the moms (who also participates in the group class as a student) was very generous and kind in her comments to students. However, when the performing student was one of the mother’s own children, she had a very difficult time restraining herself from offering corrections during the child’s performance and in offering any sort of positive comment afterwards. This behavior is not new to me. I often see it and am reminded of Dr. Suzuki’s comments:

“I often tell parents that they are much too demanding towards their own children. The facial expressions of a mother are greatly different when dealing with someone else’s child.” – Shinichi Suzuki, Ability Development from Age Zero, p. 36

I have also found this to be the case, and I sometimes ask parents to work with other parents’ children in order to avoid this issue. At the root of this behavior I believe is perfectionism. The parent desires that the child play perfectly, and that may be because the parent is reflecting the parent’s needs to appear perfect onto the child’s behavior and performance.

As teachers, we often do the same thing with our students. How many of us have participated in local Suzuki association institutes or graduation recitals and found ourselves cringing or making facial gestures as we react to our students’ mistakes or missteps? I have to guard against this during lessons too. I have to remind myself that I have a higher purpose here, and that a student’s lesson or performance is not “about me.”

This is not an easy thing to face, but I am determined to keep myself aware of it and to be watchful about my own behaviors and attitudes. I want to be a good teacher, not an unrealistic one. I want my student to grow up healthy and not have my teaching experience with them become a burden to overcome as an adult.

I hope that I am not the only teacher, student, or parent who faces these troublesome issues. As I explore my own thoughts and behaviors, I welcome any suggestions, explanations, or techniques that others can suggest.

I want to keep my focus on the sweeping large ideas and not get lost in the trivial details. Who is with me?